SCIENTISTS USE ONLY CHANCE AT TIME TRAVEL TO GO BACK FOUR DAYS TO TACO TUESDAY
This week aliens from an unknown planet dropped off a single-use time machine in front of NASA Headquarters in Washington D.C. According to their handwritten note, they did so primarily for “s*its and giggles,” but also “out of morbid curiosity to see what you clowns use it for lololol.” Handwriting experts state the aliens were “highly intoxicated.”
As the viral video shows, the aliens did not stay long enough to talk to humans. They simply swooped down from the sky in their spaceship, dropped off the time machine, and displayed a variety of slimy writhing tentacles and horrific toothy orifices in the windows. Experts say this was most likely the aliens’ genitalia. The extraterrestrials then left.
After verifying the time machine’s authenticity, America’s top scientists debated which era to visit. Some suggested the early 20th century to prevent World Wars. Some argued for the mid-18th century to “fix all those problems with the Constitution.” And some insisted we travel to the Mesozoic Era to witness dinosaurs ruling the Earth. However, after conducting a vote, the winning option, by a landslide, was “Travel to four days ago for Taco Tuesday because today is Saturday and we want cheap delicious tacos NOW.”
“It was the only thing we could agree on,” explained astrophysicist Baxter Hunnigan. “You see, we were hungry for tacos, and the best taco specials are on Tuesdays. But at the time, it was Saturday. That’s three days away from Tuesday. We didn’t want to wait that long. So I said, ‘Hey, It’s Tuesday somewhere.’ The whole team got on board right away.”
The time machine had space for four passengers. After drawing straws, Baxter Hunnigan, Kayla Madiggle, Estaban Zwintissersen, and Valdiveree Ho got on board, and set the coordinates for Tacos, Tortas and Tequila in Silver Spring, Maryland. “They have unlimited single tacos for $15 all day,” explained rocket scientist Valdiveree Ho. “Wooooooo!”
Reportedly the four scientists gorged on tacos, tortas and tequila until closing time, while storing as much food as they could in the time machine’s trunk. Then they traveled back to their original era, arriving the moment they left. The other scientists saw the trunkful of taco goodness, erupted in wild cheers, and declared the mission a great success.
Several buzzkills slammed the scientists for squandering their only time travel opportunity. However, other figures expressed their support, like goodr CEO/drunk kleptomaniac Carl The Flamingo, who released the sunglasses It’s Tuesday Somewhere in tribute. “They made the right decision,” said Carl. “Taco Tuesday should be every day.”