Looking to expand the Culture goodr team, Carl the Flamingo set out to create a squad of Vanguard Visionaries. He created a special project for the candidates to present a dossier of traits or characteristics that they felt made someone a “visionary.”
He sat down to interview the first candidate and skimmed over the first page she’d provided while she droned on in the background. The first page read:
VISIONARY TRAIT 1:
At the big dance in high school, you’re just minding your own business dancing with your date when suddenly the WHOLE auditorium spontaneously starts doing the EXACT same dance routine as if you were all in a pre-choreographed, rehearsed dance mob. Only a visionary has the ability to unintentionally spawn amazing unchoreographed mass hysteria. RIGHT?!
SEE REFERENCE: TV episode of Family Matters where Steve had everyone doing The Urkel. (Season 2, episode 18, "Life of the Party").
SEE REFERENCE: movie Can’t Buy Me Love when everyone starts doing the African anteater ritual dance when Ronnie starts doing it because they’re a bunch of follower dweebs.
VISIONARY TRAIT 2:
You found out that you were a witch on your 16th birthday and have come into your magical powers. You have never been popular. UNTIL NOW. No one had ever emulated your style before, but now everyone wants to be just like you.
REFERENCE: movie Teen Witch. See the “Most Popular Girl” montage, where Louise Miller's fashion clones start popping up everywhere. Also, check out the iconic rap scene where she bewitches her best friend with confidence, so she raps “Top That” to her crush. Super cringe in the best way.
EXHIBIT F:
Just by removing your glasses, you can suddenly be transformed from an unattractive nerd into a gorgeous, irresistible force of nature.
REFERENCE: movie She’s All That. movie, She’s Out of Control. There are countless examples of this phenomenon.
“I’m going to stop you right there…” Carl interrupted. “Uhm, I think maybe you misunderstood the assignment. These are just a bunch of tropes from 80s and 90s movies about being popular, which doesn’t really matter in a place like goodr. Our authenticity mantra at goodr is, ‘If the goal is being authentic and people don’t like you, it’s okay. If the goal is being liked and people don’t like you, you’re f*cked.’ While your pop culture knowledge is VERY impressive,* I don’t think you’re going to be the right fit for this particular role…You don’t seem to understand our culture AT ALL. Being a visionary means planning for the future with imagination and wisdom. You’re just regurgitating a bunch of other people’s ideas!!! Besides, “Top That” was a real banger!!!”
She got up angrily from her seat and shouted at Carl, “This is total bullsh*t!!! If you were a REAL sunglasses mogul, you would make a pair of angular cat-eye frames. Tortoiseshell ones. Did you ever think about that?! How’s that for ‘Vanguard Visionary,’ you a$$hat?!” When she made air quotes with her fingers (a trigger for Carl), he called security.
Security dragged her, kicking and screaming out of his office. Then it dawned on him. He realized she WAS a visionary!!! Albeit a style visionary. Why hadn’t he thought of this idea before?! Thus, these
tortoiseshell shades with brown lenses in our angular, fashion-forward Pop G frame were born. Meet Vanguard Visionary frames.
*Carl made a note to call her later to see if she wanted to join his bar trivia team.
