Rosé Retail Therapy Origin Story
“GET SOME THERAPY!!!” Carl the Flamingo’s neighbor yelled as she slammed the door in his face for the umpteenth time.
All he’d done was fill her front yard fountain with ice and shrimp cocktail for his monthly key party. “What’s the big deal?!” He wondered to himself.
A little flamingo angel appeared on his shoulder in a poof of smoke. “She’s not wrong, Carl. Besides, you should probably apologize…”
“Who asked YOU anyway?! I thought I told you to get lost! Where’s the other guy, you know, the cool guy with the horns?!” Carl asked.
The little flamingo devil appeared over the other shoulder. “You know Carl, maybe therapy isn’t such a bad idea…Have you ever heard of retail therapy?! Whaddya say we lose the dweeb, and I’ll show you how it’s done?!”
Carl flicked the little angel off his shoulder and into the fountain, which was full of cloudy shrimp water and empty champagne bottles.
“Carl, CARL! I can’t swim!!!” The little angel splashed and made muffled gurgling noises and gasped for air as Carl and the little devil strolled down the driveway.
“Maybe we should help him?!” Carl asked, feeling guilty.
“Nah, don’t worry about him. That creep ain’t even real.” The little devil lit up a cigar. “Whaddya say we shop til we drop?! But first, a toast!!!” The little devil snapped his fingers and a wine glass filled with sparkling rosé appeared in Carl’s hand. “Drink up, baby!!!” the little devil encouraged.
Carl downed the accursed wine and was overcome with the DESIRE TO ACQUIRE!!! He felt a warming sensation in his pants as his wallet literally began burning a hole in his back pocket. He desperately needed to SHOP. He needed to buy something. ANYTHING!!!
Carl and the little devil soon entered a ritzy boutique on Rodeo Drive. The interior was a vision of understated opulence: rich mahogany floors gleamed under the soft glow of leaded crystal chandeliers. Plush, velvety armchairs were scattered like elegant sentinels. The garments beckoned to Carl. Each seemed to writhe and pulsate seductively, begging him to take them home, whispering false promises of eternal youth and prolonged ecstasy.
A snobby sales associate, impeccably dressed in a chic black ensemble, approached with an air of superiority.
"Good afternoon. How may I assist you today, sir?" he asked with a blasé attitude, recognizing Carl’s jumpy body language and crazed look as the hallmarks of a shop-a-holic.
“I, uh, need to buy some stuff. Some clothes, yeah, how about you sell me some clothes?! I’ve got money to spend in here!!!” Carl responded, fidgeting uncomfortably. If he didn’t buy something soon, he might explode!!!
“Ah, yes. I think I have exactly what you need.” the associate said, gracefully guiding Carl toward a private fitting room. As they walked, the associate deftly plucked luxurious items from the racks.
The associate presented the selections with a flourish, explaining the unique features of each garment with practiced ease. “This dress,” he said, holding up a gown with intricate beadwork, “is from our latest collection and is handcrafted with the finest materials imported from Europe. It’s designed to make a statement without overwhelming a petite frame like yours.” He gestured to Carl’s lithe pink body.
“I’ll take it!!! What else you got?!” Carl clamored as he simultaneously shopped on his phone.
For the next sixteen hours, a flurry of salespeople showed Carl every garment in the store. Carl even purchased the store fixtures.
“Sir. I implore you to stop, my staff, they’re exhausted. We were supposed to close twelve hours ago…there’s literally NOTHING left for you to purchase here!!!” the store manager pleaded with Carl.
“You work on commission, right?” Carl asked. “BIG mistake. HUGE. I have to go shopping now!” Carl responded flippantly, pretending he was Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. A moving truck pulled up outside to cart off Carl’s purchases, and the little devil was riding shotgun. “Move over, bro. Carl said as he jumped into the truck cab. The rising morning sun was frying Carl’s eyes with its blazing orange light. “Ugh. I need sunnies! I wish I had a pair of light pink Pop G sunnies with rose ocean gradient lenses to celebrate this epic shopping spree!!! So, where to next?! Do you think Kmart’s open?! Hey, got any more of that rosé?! I dig Rosé Retail Therapy!!!”
