Not Gray, Diet Black Origin Story

Carl the Flamingo fidgeted in the scratchy office chair, mindlessly screwing the cap of his water bottle ON and OFF. He supposed if he got bored enough, he could always make up fake constellations by staring at the holes in the insulated ceiling tiles. The room was gray and drab, the harsh fluorescent light illuminated the stains on the threadbare burgundy carpet. The smell of industrial air freshener mixed with bile was making him feel nauseated.

It felt like he had been sitting there for an eternity when suddenly, a sweaty man with a plump, red face came rushing in and addressed the room in a booming voice.

“Welcome, everyone! We are so thrilled that you have decided to join us today. We want you to know that YOUR participation is incredibly valuable. Are you ready to embark on an exciting journey where your opinions will help shape the future of tomorrow?!”

The room clapped half-heartedly. Carl was amused when he realized the sweat stains soaking through the man’s dress shirt were like a Rorschach test. A butterfly at the small of his back. A melting ice cream cone in each of his armpits…

“I said, ARE YOU READY TO EMBARK ON AN EXCITING JOURNEY?!” he boomed.

The room clapped louder. “Alright, now that’s more like it! My assistant, Debbie, will take great care of you all today.” He gestured to a red-headed woman with a bouffant and thick calves that looked like sausages in unnatural shiny beige pantyhose casings.

Debbie continued in her thick Minnesotan accent. “Throughout this panel, you’ll have the opportunity to evaluate a range of quality products, give your input, and see firsthand how YOUR feedback influences the development process. We encourage ya to be open and candid—your perspective is essential, don’tcha know!”

She gestured to a trio of servers standing behind a cloth-covered table. The mystery product was shrouded under three shiny silver domes. At her signal, the servers lifted the domes, revealing several platters of luncheon meat marked A, B, and C.

“Today, we want to start by having you try several variations of revolutionary luncheon meats… Everyone, please grab a napkin and help yourself to samples. And remember, as you’re tasting them and filling out your survey, think about the flavor, texture, and value for the money. Nutritional facts can be found on the printout next to the product if you have any allergy concerns.”

Carl took a bite of sample A and immediately spit it out. “What the hell is this?!” It was salty and rubbery. It was giving uncanny valley, ham style.

“Sir, please control yourself. We would appreciate it if you could refrain from using profanity. As ya know, I am not at liberty to reveal the product's identity. Just give honest feedback on the survey we’ve asked ya to fill out as previously instructed.”

Carl walked over and looked at the nutrition facts. The first ingredient was human urine stem cells. He threw up a little in his mouth and started to realize why there were so many stains on the carpet. This was human “ham” grown in a lab!!!

He started hysterically slapping ham samples out of other people’s hands. He jumped on the serving table and kicked the deli platters into the crowd. The servers clawed at him, trying to pull him down as he yelled, “Stop, everybody, stop! Don’t you see what they’re doing?! They’re feeding us human ham grown in a lab using urine stem cells!!! Let me guess, all the flavor of regular ham but with half the calories and the same great taste, right?! It’s all in the marketing! Right, you sonsofbitches?! It’s like if I took a pair of gray sunglasses and called them Diet Black!!!” He kicked at Debbie as she tried to dig her acrylic fingernails into his skinny legs. Security quickly dragged him out of the room while he screamed about soylent green eggs and ham. They sedated him and dumped him in a self-driving cab.

When he came to, his memory of the day's events was foggy, but the animatronic cab driver reminded him that he had come up with a GREAT idea for a new pair of Glam Gs: dark ash gray shades with black gradient lenses, half the calories, and all the sweetness and style of goodr’s regular black cat-eye sunglasses!!! Not Gray, Diet Black.