Zombie Skin Care Routine Origin Story
Lizzy Shea had a hankering for a blueberry fig bar and wandered into the break room to grab a snack. Carl the Flamingo was sitting at the table watching a video on his phone.
“Next, I like to use a pair of small tweezers to pluck the wriggling worms out of my face…” the video’s narrator said cheerfully.
“OMG. Gross! What the f*ck are you watching, Carl?!” Lizzy Shea gasped.
“SHHH!!! I’m trying to watch this!” He impatiently waved in her general direction, his eyes still glued to the phone.
“Once I’ve removed all of the worms, I like to use an industrial silicone caulk to plug up the holes they’ve left. I personally use a popsicle stick to spackle the holes, and then I take a beauty-blending sponge and lightly feather the edges out for a more natural look.
“Now, I’m using the neutral gray shade because I find that it most closely matches my rotting skin tone, but it does come in a variety of other shades, like green and dark gray, so you should be able to find a shade that matches your personal shade of decay. I also prefer the flexible caulk that’s used for, like, caulking showers, because I find the texture to be easiest to work with. You can just pick this up at your local home improvement store… If you have a latex allergy, be sure to check the label and purchase a latex-free variety. We don’t want any unnecessary trips to the doctor, do we?!”
She leaned in closer to the camera, cupped her mouth, and whispered, “You know, because they always freak out when they realize you’re dead, and they try to call the authorities, yada yada yada. You know how it goes.” She giggled. “Also, if you have any really large or gaping wounds, you can always grab a can of insulation spray foam from the hardware store to fill those in too.”
“Carl, please. That is so flocking sick!!! People are trying to eat in here! Can you at least turn the volume down?!” Lizzy Shea whined.
“Dude, relax! It’s just zombie beauty tok!!!” Carl rolled his eyes and continued watching.
“So, some of you have asked me what to do about loose or dangling patches of skin. I HIGHLY recommend using a spray adhesive to gently glue those back in place. A little bit goes a long way here, guys! A quick spritz and a bit of pressure and you’re good to go! I personally like to carry a miniature stapler in my purse, too, for any mishaps when I’m out and about and something just happens to come loose. A quick staple in the skin, and *MUAH!* Chef’s kiss,” the narrator quipped.
“That’s it. I’m telling Nicole!” Lizzy Shea stomped towards the door, fully intending to complain to the head of HR.
Just then, Nicole appeared in the doorway.
“Oh, Nicole! I was just coming to ge-ge-get you…Oh my God! Nicole, are you OK?! What’s wrong with you?! Wait, what are you doing?!” Lizzy Shea stumbled backward, cornering herself by the refrigerator.
Nicole’s arms were outstretched and covered with patches of decay, her skin an unnatural shade of gray. (She still looked flocking fabulous, considering she was technically dead.) She lumbered towards Lizzy Shea and wailed, “BRAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNSSS!” and dropped Lizzy Shea to the floor. She then helped herself to a snack from Lizzy Shea’s cracked-open cranium.
“Don’t you just hate it when they buy into these stupid movie zombie stereotypes, Carl?!” she questioned, sitting at the breakroom table a few minutes later. She laughed and wiped the gore from her face onto the breakroom wall.
“Oh, I know. Like you’re not still a human being with feelings and stuff?!” Carl shook his head in disappointment. “Hey, are you gonna eat that?!”
Nicole shook her head NO, and Carl popped the chunk of Lizzy Shea’s brain into his mouth. “Ugh, needs hot sauce. Hey, you know what?! We should TOTALLY do a pair of gray OGs with black gradient lenses that’ll match your complexion. We can call them Zombie Skin Care Routine in honor of today’s events!!!”
Lizzy Shea’s corpse then sat up and replied, “That’s a GREAT idea, Carl!”
