Introducing goodr REWIND: Three remixed sunnies chock-full of soothing nostalgia >>>
For those of you who have not yet been enlightened, Mercury retrograde is a phenomenon where it appears Mercury is moving backward from our view on Earth. Scientists say it’s an optical illusion, to which we say, “YAWN. BOOO-RING!” If you want the TRUTH, talk to astrologists!
Astrologists, such as cosmic crystal healer Celeste Moonbeam,* say Mercury retrograde wreaks havoc on communication, contracts, travel, technology, and our ability to problem-solve and make strong choices. And, hold onto your heartspace, because a Mercury retrograde starts TOMORROW.
Luckily, Moonbeam infuses these shades with protective energy to keep your chakras powered and your electronics working. THANK YOU STAR MOTHER!!!
As for the other two Rewind sunnies...you’ll have to wait. Moonbeam said if we reveal too much too soon it’s bad for your aura. So we’ll just give you a hint for each: Jelly beans and a famous lift (like, dance lift, not a British elevator).
* This is just the beginning of your spiritual awakening. In a few months, Celeste will be back with a magical top-secret line of crystal healing optics that will land on your astral plane and blow your effin mind.
UPDATE #1 - March 26, 2021
Everybody loves reboots, so we’re starting our first update the same way we started the post above. Aren’t familiar things comforting? Ahhhh, nostalgia. Also, recycling words is good for the environment. Do you know where word waste ends up? In the bottom of the ocean, where sea creatures eat them and die. Just yesterday, a loggerhead sea turtle choked to death on the word “lugubrious.” DON’T. WASTE. WORDS. PEOPLE.
Anyways, we’re updating this post to announce the SECOND pair of the Rewind Series: Purple Jelly Bean Drunk. These purple people pleasers are inspired by gorging on jelly beans and/or purple jelly bean infused vodka drinks every Easter. Blah blah blah, we’re not wasting any f#^#ing words, here’s the cocktail recipe:
1. Place 1/4 cup of purple jelly beans into a jar.
2. Fill jar to top with vodka.
3. Screw the top back onto the jar.
4. Let sit at room temperature for 48 hours.
5. Strain infused jelly bean vodka into a glass.
7. Wake up in a cave somewhere outside of Jerusalem.
You’re welcome. We’re peacing out now, because, unlike you, we don’t want sea turtles to die. See you on the next update, when we’ll announce the third and final Rewind sunny. And no, we’re not saying what it is now, so stop asking. Nobody puts copywriters in the section of the room where two walls meet!!!!!
UPDATE #2 - JUNE 17, 2021
Everybody loves reboots, so -- ooh...looks like everybody DOESN’T love reboots. People are starting to turn on this whole reboot thing. Nostalgia is like a spice - a little bit goes a long way. Probably a good thing we’re ending the Rewind series now.
The THIRD and FINAL sunglass we’re bringing back from the dead is… by the way, did you know that in the sixth Jason movie, lightning brings him back from the dead? Seriously. This dude, Tommy, digs up his grave and stabs his corpse with a fence post to make sure he’s dead, and then lightning strikes it and Jason’s resurrected as a zombie. (Way to go, Tommy.) Apparently, lightning is magic. Ridiculous. But it still makes more sense than the Freddy movies. Did you know that in the fourth Freddy movie, a dog peeing fire on his remains brings him back from the dead? We sh*t you not. A dog peeing fire. Google it.
Anyway, the third and final colorway iiiiiiiis: Nobody Puts Baby Carl in the Corner, which originally launched in our 80’s Beach Party line. These pink and white sunnies with chrome lenses are inspired by self-expression. As you go through life, you’ll discover you have amazing talents, and nothing should stop you from reaching your true potential. Don’t hide in the corner -- show off on center stage! Also, every time we literally put Baby Carl in a corner, he gets scared that the walls are closing in and pukes. And the puke is pink and white. The sunglasses are inspired by that too.
Well, that wraps up the Rewind series. Wow. What a journey. From the cosmic magic of Mercury retrograde to the delicious joy of jelly bean-infused cocktails to a vomit-spattered metaphor for self-expression. We laughed. We laughed again. We laughed a third time -- we pretty much just laughed. And now the journey is over. But don’t get too bummed out. Someday, this journey will be rebooted.
THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING YOU TO KEEP READING >>>
You wake up and rejoice that your annoying New Age roommate, Mindfulljess, left for Burning Man. Two weeks of freedom!...
Dear mates, ˙uo ploɥ 'sdooɥʍ -- puɐ 'plɹoʍ ǝɥʇ uᴉ ʎʇᴉɔ ǝʇᴉɹoʌɐɟ ʎɯ 'uopuo˥ ɯoɹɟ noʎ oʇ ƃuᴉʇᴉɹʍ ɯ’I Is...
Welcome back to our safe haven, our fortress of personhood. Today, I wanted to warn you all about the dangers...