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goodrTIMES

Dear people who wish they were me,

I landed in New York City an hour ago, and I already made it! That means I can make it anywhere. But I already knew that. Look at me, I’m Carl The Flamingo! I made the Forbes List For Richest Birds In The World AND was voted People’s Sexiest Bird Alive!!!

Speaking of sexy, I’m sitting in a rooftop jacuzzi in the Tribeca with Jay-Z, Robert De Niro, Scarlett Johansson, Martin Scorsese, Barbara Streisand, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Kerry Washington, Pizza Rat and Mr. Met. And yes, it’s going to get weird. Hey, Jay-Z! Can I just copy and paste the lyrics from ‘Empire State of Mind’ for this blog entry and call it a day? Yes, but it’ll cost me? Ugh. Fine. It’s true. He’s not a businessman. He’s a business, man.

I’m here to promote our sunglasses inspired by the New York 26.2K Running Race. It’s the largest race of its kind in the world and goes through all five boroughs (the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and Staten Island). Rumor has it this year there’s a hipster obstacle course in Brooklyn. You have to weave your way around trendy dorks in flannel, spinning yarn, craft-brewing IPAs and doing urban gardening. It’s going to be great!

Previously I posted messages from Tokyo, Los Angeles, Boston, London, Berlin and Chicago. They are all hilarious and emotionally stirring works of art that should win Pulitzer Prizes. I can’t BELIEVE The New Yorker passed on publishing them. Mr. Met here just gave me some feedback, which is rich. Anyone from the Mets is not qualified to criticize anybody. If you want to criticize someone, LOOK IN THE FLOCKING MIRROR!!!!

Mr. Met said my messages from these cities don’t feel authentic. He said it seems like I googled the top things to do in each city and made up a bunch of nonsense to up the word count. BALDERDASH!!!! Yeah, sure, Mr. Met. I’m going to write a bunch of nonsense, and lazily reference the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, the Empire State Building, Yankee Stadium, Broadway, and the Brooklyn Bridge, just so people googling those words find this blog, and buy sunglasses. Yeah. Sure. Uh-huh. THAT’S what I’m going to do. Yup.

Fuhgeddaboudit, Carl

P.S. New York is my favorite city in the world, and I don’t just say that about every city.

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