Tidal G Origin Story

EPISODE 1: “Where the Hell Are My Shades?”

The Pink Floatus resort sparkled like a fever dream off the tropical coast; the type of place you can’t afford to visit, but you CAN afford a streaming service to watch a TV show about it. Nestled between limestone cliffs, the resort was famous for its infinity pool, complimentary Aperol spritz, and an incredible streak: no murders in nearly three months.

Enter our fabulous and f**ked guests: Marla, a chain-vaping heiress with a husky whisper of a voice, rocking a sarong made entirely of $100 bills; Diane, a jittery screenwriter with writer’s block taking a retreat to pen Tic Tac Toe: The Movie; and of course, Sterling, a tech bro whose startup "Train Your Dog to Walk Themselves” had just been acquired by a cryptocurrency-backed kombucha company.

They all had one thing in common: designer sunglasses with no flotation capabilities. And one by one, they began to lose them to the sea.

EPISODE 2: “The Water Takes What It Wants”

It started innocently. Sterling cannonballed into the ocean wearing his $700 titanium wraparounds, which sank immediately, just like his first start-up, “Hot Air Balloon Rideshare.” “THEY WERE CUSTOM-MOLDED TO MY FACE!!!” he howled.

Then Diane, mid-research for a scene involving the Xs and Os going to war, tripped on her caftan and sent her vintage cat-eyes tumbling off the dock. “Noooooo,” she whispered. “I bought that with my Hungry Hungry Manatees: The Movie money.”

And finally, Marla. In a dramatic attempt to flirt with a waiter half her age, she twirled into the hot tub, and her shades, bedazzled with real opals and the tears of an influencer, slipped off her face into the frothy abyss. “I can’t go on,” she moaned, collapsing into a cabana chair. “The sun hurts my eyes so much! The gaze! The gaze! This gaze is trying to kill me!”

EPISODE 3: “Carl the Flamingo Arrives”

As they sank into despair, the air changed. A screech of tires. A trail of flamingo feathers. A faint whiff of piña coladas and shrimp scampi. Carl the Flamingo had landed. Wearing a silk kimono, no pants, and fun, fashionable, functional and ‘ffordable sunglasses, Carl strutted into the lobby.

“Sorry I’m late,” he slurred. “An opportunity came up to take an 11-minute trip to the edge of the earth’s atmosphere. I can’t resist a trip into sorta-kinda-space! And it only cost $450,000! Suck it, Buzz Aldrin.”

Marla gasped. “Is that... Carl? THE Flamingo? The goodr CEO? I heard he slept with that singer known for doing backflips and that singer known for licking donuts!” Carl winked. “I don’t kiss and tell. Until I write my memoirs. Which I did. They come out next week. Only $50, hardcover! Anyway, what’s the drama? Don’t tell me someone’s dead AGAIN.”

When told about the sunglasses tragedy, Carl scoffed. “Really?” he said, plucking a gold-plated vape from his fanny pack. “Really? You come to a coastal paradise without floating sunglasses? That’s like going to a movie without sushi in your cargo pants.” He paused. Took a long drag. “I’ll fix this,” Carl declared, with a grin.. “Get me three coconuts, a vat of repellent spray, and the entire goodr creative department. I know it’s the weekend. I don’t care if they’re busy or ‘at their wedding.’ I need them NOW.”

 EPISODE 4: “Tidal Gs Are Born”

Two days later, the evil sun rose over an ocean, blasting harmful UV rays like rich a-holes blast angry Tweets that reveal they’re deeply unhappy. But Carl emerged triumphant. “WAZZZZZUP!!!” he yelled. “Is there anything I missed from the last two days?”

“A sexy love triangle!” said Marla. “Unfortunately, now the other two are dead.”

“I finished my Tic Tac Toe: The Movie script!” said Diane. “It’s terrible–and that’s good!” 

“I just discovered the FBI is investigating me for business fraud!” said Sterling. “But it doesn’t matter because I just got a presidential pardon!”

“Blah, blah, blah,” said Carl. “Let’s talk about what’s really important. Behold: Tidal Gs!” With a flourish, he unveiled a collection of floating, water-repellent sunglasses so radiant they made Marla drop the severed hand of one of her dead lovers.

“They float, they repel water, and they come in five gorgeous designs,” Carl explained, passing pairs around to the guests. “Everybody give it up for the goodr creative department!” Carl gestured to a group of exhausted goodr employees reluctantly trudging with their bags to the hotel shuttle. “Sorry, we don’t have it in the budget for you to stay here longer,” Carl yelled. “But you are DEEPLY appreciated.”

The guests were skeptical... until Sterling threw his new pair into the pool. THEY. BOBBED. GRACEFULLY. ON. THE. SURFACE. A gasp. A whisper. Then a slow clap from Diane. Soon, everyone was cheering. Even the Pink Floatus manager, who up until now had only been seen crying behind a potted plant. Carl took a satisfied hit off of his gold-plated vape, which contained algae, not nicotine, because he’s a bird. “Another crisis averted!”

EPISODE 5: “Death, Taxes, and Sunglasses”

Of course, not everyone was thrilled. Later that night, his on-again, off-again, mostly off-again fiancée Turlana Quackenbush attempted to drown him in the plunge pool. He emerged unbothered, wearing a backup pair of Tidal Gs. “Nice try, dummy,” he said. “People have tried to drown me so much I’ve evolved to breathe underwater. If Charles Darwin could see me, he’d cream his pants.” “Ewwwww!!!” said Turlana. “What?” Carl said. “I just meant he’d be so happy he’d snarf down Tres Leches Cake and get some of the cream on his pants. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Eventually, the guests went home, except for Diane and Sterling, because they died. Still, The Pink Floatus thrived. Guests returned year after year, flaunting their unsinkable shades and whispering about the summer that sunglasses stopped sinking. And Carl? He floated off on a novelty pool raft shaped like himself, sipping a piña colada from a pineapple. Also, Marla died on the way home. The hotel manager did it.