October 2020

Sunglasses brand goodr knows you look like a total disaster during your daily jog*. In an effort to give you a shred of dignity, darling, they released a new line of high fashion cateye sunglasses called “The Devil Wears Runway.” The haute couture frame is a unique look for the running space AND the sitting-at-home-thinking-about-running space.

The in-vogue line includes four colorful styles: Vegan Friendly Couture, Haute Day in Hell, Gingham is Sooo Last Season, and Freshly Picked Cerulean. According to our sources**, legendary designer Donna Karan took one look at the sunnies, collapsed in the fetal position and cried “Noooo! I’ve wasted my life!”

“We’re thrilled to bring swanky, chichi runway style to the running crowd,” said goodr’s avian CEO Carl the Flamingo. “We were going to pair them with six-inch stiletto running heels, but when we forced employees to do a test run, they tripped and broke their legs. Don’t worry-- they’re all fired.”

*Okay, that’s a bit harsh. Half-disaster.

**Our sources are real, they just go to a different school. You don’t know them.