CHAOS IN LETTUCE LACE PARK
Lettuce Lace Park witnessed an unprecedented Flamingo fight when rival flamingos came face to face in a quiet neighborhood located on the outskirts of Tampa. The incident took place near the park’s observation tower, which is a popular tourist destination.
According to local media reports, the fight between the group of flamingos broke out due to a shortage of buffet restaurant dining caused by the pandemic. Domesticated Floridian flamingos have grown accustomed to the ease and comfort of strip mall buffet restaurant fare, particularly salad bars that also offer unlimited servings of shellfish, such as King crab legs and popcorn shrimp. Upon hearing that popular salad bar chain, Souplantation (R.I.P.), had recently closed due to the pandemic, local flamingos panicked and flocked to Lettuce Lace Park for an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord, confusing the name with a now-shuttered all-you-can-eat salad bar of the same name. Upon their arrival, and discovering that there was no food to be eaten, the flamingos flew into a rage.
Carl the Flamingo, witnessing the chaos, was quick to spring into action. He called local fast food chain, Captain Mook’s Fish N Chips, where he spoke to server and famed local high school legend Brad Hamilton. (It’s not hard to see why Brad is also employee of the month.) Thanks to the quick thinking of these two heroes, they were able to get 85 “catch-of-the-day” boxes delivered to the park within the hour, minimizing damage to the park’s facilities.
In a feat of bravery, Carl climbed the observation tower with a megaphone and started chanting, “Lettuce feast, lettuce feast, lettuce feast!!!!” While Brad made it rain boxes of beloved popcorn shrimp and fries. Knowing the flamingos would be dying of thirst from the heat and physical strain of the incident, Carl filled a Super Swampinator Squirt gun with bucket margaritas and quenched the crowd. In no time, the rage and hunger were extinguished. Everyone was invited back to Carl’s house for an orgy and the park was cleared.
The unusual incident was caught on camera by local surf bro, Fleabag Jenkins. When interviewed by KRON69’s own Wendy Clamdiggins about the incident, he said, “Oh brah, it’s just like, in Tampa you get, like, the best buffet food ever dude. You just like show up and just like drop in and like eat some all-you-can-eat clams n’ brews, brah. And just like these ‘mingos, you rage when you can’t get it, you know? I was like, hangin’ out in my kayak in the park when all hell broke loose, brah. So I had to, like, think fast and roll my camera, brah. Go to my Instagram, @TheREALFleabagJenkins69 right now, brah. Stop, drop and scroll. Stop, drop and scroll. STOP, DROP AND SCROOOOLLLL!!!! Do it, brah.”
Carl the Flamingo and Brad Hamilton will be honored this weekend by Tampa’s Mayor, Jayne Castavet, where Carl will be presented with the Key to the City for his bravery. He also created Stop, Drop, and Scroll sunnies, inspired by the Fleabag Jenkins’ viral video. Proceeds from the sales will go towards a buffet fund for one lucky flamingo. (That flamingo is Carl, duh.)
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