You’re probably thinking: Why’s Carl writing an origin story-- doesn’t he have better things to do? Yes. Yes, I do. But our origin story writer called in sick, so I checked the livestream from the hidden cameras we secretly installed in her apartment to confirm she’s sick and she’s definitely sick and super gross and the deadline is today so I’m just going to do it.

Okay, so, these shades are called “We Had Lights First." They’re inspired by Hanukkah, which celebrates the rededication of the Second Temple of Jerusalem and I can already feel you nodding off-- WAKE UP! This isn’t boring!

When Alexander the Great ruled, he let religious peeps do their thing. But after he died, his empire split into pieces, like our competitors’ sunglasses when you drop them once. Man, our competitors suck. Real shoddy craftsmanship. Anyway, this dude Antiochus IV ruled, and he decreed everyone must worship Greek gods, because he was a total dick.

So, Antiochus tried to get rid of all local religions, including Judaism. He outlawed kosher food, circumcision and Shabbat services on penalty of death. Can you imagine that? “Hey! You’re eating latkes! Time to die!” What an asshole. Anyway, some Jews chose to assimilate and some Jews chose to revolt, going FULL Rage Against the Machine.

One objector, Mattathias, was absolutely not having it. He fled to the mountains with his sons and started a bloody revolution. Told you this isn’t boring! After Mattathias died, his son Judah took charge of the army and adopted the family name Maccabee. Maccabee means “hammer” in Hebrew. Pretty badass. (Not to self: Change name to Carl Maccabee.)

After years of fighting, the Maccabees defeated Antiochus and retook Jerusalem. They rededicated the Temple and found enough oil to burn the Eternal Flame for one night but it miraculously burned for eight nights. Hanukkah celebrates that and the victory. And this was in 160’s BCE, so they had lights first, Christmas! Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah! Suck it, Santa! I’d write more but this is long enough and I want to drink so I’m taking off. Peace!