Staff members at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History made a startling discovery this week while renovating former First Lady Abigail Adams’ personal artifacts. Deep inside a pocket of her 19th century petticoat, curators found a decaying parchment bearing lyrics to a verse savagely dissing British monarch King George III.

The 16-bar composition is entitled “Suck It, King George” by “A$AP Abigail,” an apparent pseudonym. Historians confirmed the handwriting matches Abigail Adams and speculate that “ASAP” is an acronym meaning “As Soon As Possible,” “Always Strive And Prosper” and “A Sick Ass P***y.” The document also bore trace amounts of cannabis.

The poem is dated “July 4, 1814,” 38 years after America’s victory in the Revolutionary War. At the time, Adams was 70 years old and retired to her family’s Peacefield home in Quincy, Massachusetts. Evidently the anti-slavery and pro-women’s rights advocate spent her golden years blazing fatties and writing savage disses to vanquished foes.

At the time of composition, the United States and United Kingdom were embroiled in the War of 1812. King George III held little power, as he was permanently insane, plus virtually blind from cataracts, secluded in his Windsor Castle, where he remained until his death. However, emotions still ran high due to his role in the American Revolutionary War.

SUCK IT, KING GEORGE

By A$AP Abigail

July 4, 1814

Eyyo, f*** King George and everybody that love him Inbred b*tch probably married his cousin

Beat his ass in the Revolutionary War

But this loser keeps coming back for more

What are you, crazy? That’s right, you are

Sitting home all alone, brain falling apart

I’ve got bigger balls than you in my leggins

And your wife told me you’re into pegging

Wooo! I’m spillin’ more tea than Boston

Every day U.S.A gets more awesome

Every day you get more sick and dour

Regency took every bit of power

Ha ha ha! You are such a lame one 15 kids and I can’t even name one Better watch out! U.S.A. got lots of guns

Only George we recognize is Washington

All living historians agree “Suck It, King George” is a million times better than Francis Scott Keys’ “The Star-Spangled Banner” and should be the new U.S. National Anthem.