YASSS QUARANTINE! FIVE THINGS YOU NEED TO THROW A PRIDE PARADE AT HOME
Due to the coronavirus pandemic, several 2020 events are postponed, including the Tokyo Olympics, Coachella Music Festival, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Birthday Party (we assume we were invited), and several pride parades. But despite the parades’ postponement, June remains pride month, commemorating the anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. We suggest -- nay, demand - that you celebrate the LGBTQ community by throwing a pride parade at home this year. Here are five things you need!
The rainbow is used as a symbol of pride for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer communities. If you are unable to find a rainbow flag, rainbow sunglasses, rainbow shoes, rainbow hair dye, or a rainbow poop emoji pool float, summon the goddess Iris, who travels on rainbows to deliver messages between gods to mortals. When you send a flirty emoji to Big Daddy Zeus, that thirsty king will respond immediately. Each trip from Iris will paint your home with glorious rainbows.
It’s hard to imagine a pride parade without glitter, those sparkly specs of plastic that hug your skin and never let go. (To quote our CEO Carl the Flamingo, “Glitter is like herpes: It never goes away! Not saying I have herpes. Cause I don’t. Have herpes. You’re not recording this, are you?”) But remember: Glitter is terrible for the environment because it takes thousands of years to break down. We recommend using biodegradable glitter or the glitter vomited by a cheerleader in the MS MR Fantasy video, because her stomach acid probably broke down the plastic a bit.
3. A FABULOUS PLAYLIST
It’s not a pride parade without infectious bops like Madonna’s “Vogue,” Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out” and Lady GaGa’s “Born This Way.” The internet is teeming with advice for pride playlists, like this one from Spotify, this one from Esquire and this one from Rolling Stone. But we say, if you’re feeling creative, write your own pride song! It’s easy. Check it out: “We’re here to celebrate gay pride / If you don’t, you’re salty like sodium chloride / Whether groom and groom or bride and bride / Act like The Dude and just abide” That’s free. You can have those lyrics. You’re welcome.
4. A THROBBING HORDE OF SWEATY BODIES
To truly recreate the experience of partying in The Abbey after the West Hollywood Pride Parade, buy 100 love dolls, duct tape them to jackhammers, crank on your industrial strength fog machine, and stumble around on your phone yelling, “Where are you? What? I can’t hear you! It’s the reception! THE RECEPTION! Hello? What?!”
Of course, the most important thing to bring to a pride parade is pride -- and NOT a group of lions containing mostly females. We cannot stress this enough. We’re talking about this definition of pride: “confidence and self-respect expressed by members of a group, typically one that has been socially marginalized on the basis of their shared identity, culture, and experience.” Bring that.
We are not encouraging you to illegally purchase 15 lions, mostly females. goodr is NOT legally responsible for the consequences if you try to throw a glitter party with bloodthirsty lions.