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goodrTIMES

To Whom It May Concern:

Yuck. That’s a terrible way to start a letter. I just wanted to try it once and see how it felt. It felt horrible. Such a bad vibe. Plus, everything I say concerns everyone. I’m a rich, drunk, pansexual kleptomaniac flamingo sunglasses mogul! When Carl the Flamingo opens his beak, you better be f***ing concerned! I have SO MUCH to say!!! Like...um...what’s up?

I’m writing to you now from Chicago! DA BEEEARRRS. DA BULLLLLSSS. DA CUUUUBBS. And so on. First, a little history: Chicago was founded in 1833 by a bunch of runners who never finished first place in marathons because they ate too much deep dish pizza. The highest they ever placed was second. This is why they call Chicago the Second City.

In 1871, Mayor Joseph Medill got tired of Chicago runners never winning marathons, so he banned eating meat. Instead of slaughtering cows, he allowed them to live side by side with humans.  However, the cows were not properly trained. One cow, Cowtherine O’Leary, forgot to turn the stove off before going to sleep. The next morning, she lit a cigarette, and the house exploded. This started the Great Chicago Fire, destroying four miles of the city. People were mad at the cows and wanted to eat them, so Mayor Medill reversed the ban.

In 1923, gangster crime boss Al Capone was elected mayor. He ran on the slogan, “Vote for me, or I’ll shoot you.” It was very effective. In ‘25, Capone competed in the Chicago Marathon. He told the other runners, “If you pass me, my goons will shoot you.” Everyone ran super slow so he could win. Capone won the next nine marathons. Then in ‘32 he got busted for jaywalking and was sent to prison. They were really strict on jaywalking back then. Capone was so angry he ordered his magical goat to curse the Chicago Cubs: “Malakoo, malakeer! You won’t win a World Series for 84 years! BAHHH!” And they didn’t.

That wraps up Chicago, my favorite city in the world! And I don’t just say that about any city. I love it: The John Hancock Tower, deep-dish pizza at Giordano's and Lou Malnati’s, the Art Institute, Millennium Park, the Bean, Magnificent Mile, AND the Chicago Marathon, which inspired our 2021 Chicago sunnies! Blah blah blah, I gotta go, I spent $400 on improv classes, and I don’t want to be late. I’m going to get on SNL, I just know it!!!

Your god,

Carl The Flamingo.

P.S. Check out my previous adventures in Tokyo, Los Angeles, Boston, London and Berlin.

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