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Dear people who’d never get into Berghain,

It’s me, your favorite rich drunk pansexual kleptomaniac sunglasses mogul, Carl The Flamingo! After gallavanting around Tokyo, Los Angeles, Boston and London, I’ve landed in another cultural epicenter: Berlin. I love this place! The trendy hipster neighborhoods. The stunning historical landmarks. The vibrants & arts entertainment. F*** it, I’ll just say it. Berlin is my favorite city in the world! And I don’t just say that about every city.

The Berlin 26.2 Mile Running Race is scheduled for September 26, 2021. I’m not running, of course. I mean, I could. And if I did, I would win, because I’m in such amazing shape. Note to self: Send goodr copywriters a naked photo to publish with this letter, so everyone can admire my amazing shape. (Note from goodr copywriters: This photo is not included. We burned it.) But unfortunately, I can’t compete, because I’ve got to hopscotch around the globe, promoting sunglasses. Sigh. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

Oh, Berlin! We’ve had so much fun together. I went clubbing at Berghain, KitKat, YAAM, Sisyphos, Loophole, Prince Charles, OHM, Golden Gate, Watergate, ://about blank, Anomalies, Defenestrate, Cheesepool, Brocreation, Sweathog, Tearsucker, Red Eggplant, Ass Fault, Tartigradez, PLOP, Confused Face, Can I See The Manager?, MUNT, SKUNT, Saliva Steve’s, HELP HELP OMG HELP -- and so many more! But I didn’t just go clubbing…*t, I did just go clubbing. Oof. This makes me look uncultured. Note to copywriters: I’m using Voice to Text, delete everything after “But I didn’t just go clubbing” and pick up my from next sentence, I’ll add some cultural stuff. (Note from copywriters: We will not delete anything. F*** you, club-bird.) I also saw Brandenburg Gate, Museum Island, the East Side Gallery, Tiergarten, the TV Power and Mauerpark! I could go into detail about each one, but it’s hard to put these incredible places into words. You have to see them yourself.

Welp, my belly needs currywurst, so I’m outtie. Say hi to your mother for me.

Ich bin ein Berliner,



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