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goodrTIMES

CONFESSIONS OF A TABAHOLIC: TEDDY THE TURKEY SPEAKS OUT


“Hi everyone. My name is Teddy the Turkey, and I’m a tabaholic.

“It started off slow. I kept tabs open for Gmail, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Twitch and Reddit. I thought I could stop at seven. Seven tabs is totally normal. A lot of birds have seven tabs open every day. It’s no big deal...

“Then I started keeping tabs open for Birdzfeed, Upfloxx, Netchix, TikTurkey, Pinteroost, FowlNews and WattlesUp. Why not? They’re useful. I need the latest listicles, news, streaming content, videos, collages, avian news and turkey-only messages. 14 tabs is fine. I can still see part of the first word on each one. It’s okay. I can quit anytime I want to.

“Then I started keeping tabs open for Dishcord, PoultryPal, eggBAY, BestWeekFeather, Squawker, Butterballers, Gobbledygook, Farmer’s Only, FlightlessButFlyAF, Air Tree & Tree, LiveSnoods, PardonMe, Cancel Thanksgiving and Things An Idiot Can Look At.TV. My second cousin, Carl The Flamingo, saw all the tabs open and said, ‘HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! LOOK AT ALL THOSE TABS! YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH ONE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUMMY?! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!’

“I tried to absorb the pain, like always. But it was too much. I snapped! I said, ‘DON’T TAB-SHAME ME, CARL!!!! YOU BIG OL’ MEANIE!!!!  SQUAWWK! SQUAWWWK! YELP! GOBBLE-GOBBLE-GOBBLE!!! DON’T!!! TAB!!! SHAME!!! MEEEEEE!!!’ Silence. Then Carl said, ‘Did you copyright that?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Good. I’m going to use that name for a pair of Blue Mirage sunnies.’ I said, ‘Okay!’ Then he said, ‘I’m hungry. Pick me up some shrimp.’

“That’s what brings me here, to the cash register at The Shrimp Shack. Thanks for listening to my story. I thought I should give you some context before I order. Wow. Everyone in line looks awfully mad. Probably because I didn’t speak for long enough. Sorry about that. Let me tell you about the first time Carl and I met. Get comfortable! It’s an epic tale. It all started--OW! Who threw that shoe? Thank you! I needed a shoe! Anyway, it started back in May 2017, when Carl--OW!!! Another shoe?! Thank you so much! It’s my lucky day!”

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