CONFESSIONS OF A TABAHOLIC: TEDDY THE TURKEY SPEAKS OUT
“Hi everyone. My name is Teddy the Turkey, and I’m a tabaholic.
“It started off slow. I kept tabs open for Gmail, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Twitch and Reddit. I thought I could stop at seven. Seven tabs is totally normal. A lot of birds have seven tabs open every day. It’s no big deal...
“Then I started keeping tabs open for Birdzfeed, Upfloxx, Netchix, TikTurkey, Pinteroost, FowlNews and WattlesUp. Why not? They’re useful. I need the latest listicles, news, streaming content, videos, collages, avian news and turkey-only messages. 14 tabs is fine. I can still see part of the first word on each one. It’s okay. I can quit anytime I want to.
“Then I started keeping tabs open for Dishcord, PoultryPal, eggBAY, BestWeekFeather, Squawker, Butterballers, Gobbledygook, Farmer’s Only, FlightlessButFlyAF, Air Tree & Tree, LiveSnoods, PardonMe, Cancel Thanksgiving and Things An Idiot Can Look At.TV. My second cousin, Carl The Flamingo, saw all the tabs open and said, ‘HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! LOOK AT ALL THOSE TABS! YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH ONE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUMMY?! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!’
“I tried to absorb the pain, like always. But it was too much. I snapped! I said, ‘DON’T TAB-SHAME ME, CARL!!!! YOU BIG OL’ MEANIE!!!! SQUAWWK! SQUAWWWK! YELP! GOBBLE-GOBBLE-GOBBLE!!! DON’T!!! TAB!!! SHAME!!! MEEEEEE!!!’ Silence. Then Carl said, ‘Did you copyright that?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Good. I’m going to use that name for a pair of Blue Mirage sunnies.’ I said, ‘Okay!’ Then he said, ‘I’m hungry. Pick me up some shrimp.’
“That’s what brings me here, to the cash register at The Shrimp Shack. Thanks for listening to my story. I thought I should give you some context before I order. Wow. Everyone in line looks awfully mad. Probably because I didn’t speak for long enough. Sorry about that. Let me tell you about the first time Carl and I met. Get comfortable! It’s an epic tale. It all started--OW! Who threw that shoe? Thank you! I needed a shoe! Anyway, it started back in May 2017, when Carl--OW!!! Another shoe?! Thank you so much! It’s my lucky day!”
THERE’S NO SHAME IN READING THESE OTHER POSTS
Modern Day Snake Oil Origin Story
Hey, you there! Yes, you! I can tell by your savvy intelligence AND your striking beauty that you know the...
Rage Quit and Hit It Origin Story
While renovating Leonardo Da Vinci’s 15th century palace Château du Clos Lucé, officials discovered a secret “man cave” in the...
Blue Shades of Death Origin Story
Do not panic. According to our IT Guy, the solution is to turn the sunglasses off, then turn them back...