CARL AND HIS IDIOT COUSIN TEDDY
HOW CARL THE FLAMINGO MET HIS IDIOT COUSIN TEDDY THE TURKEY
We all have one Idiotic Cousin who’s constantly in trouble for doing idiotic things. Well, goodr CEO Carl the Flamingo has one too: Teddy the Turkey.
Their relationship began like all great relationships: at one of Beyoncé’s parties. In May 2017, Carl attended Bey’s glamorous “Push Party” baby shower at a Beverly Hills private residence. (In 2008, Bey hired Carl to ghostwrite the song “If I Were A Flamingo,” later reworked to “If I Were A Boy.” They’ve been besties ever since.)
During the bash, Beyoncé invited everyone to join her on a booze cruise to Bora Bora. Overcome with emotion (and Ace of Spades Champagne), Carl posted on Facebook: “FIRST ONE TO COMMENT GETS A FREE TICKET TO L.A. TO BE MY PLUS ONE ON A BOOZE CRUISE TO BORA BORA!” Then he put his phone away and held Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s legs while she did a kegstand.
At four in the morning, Carl woke up in bed with Kelly Rowland, Mario Lopez and Ryan Seacrest. Careful not to wake up his sleeping bedmates, he pulled out his phone and saw who made the first comment: Teddy the Turkey, a third cousin. Carl couldn’t recall ever meeting him, but apparently they friended each other nine years ago.
Carl cringed. He didn’t want to bring this bird from the boondocks on an extravagant cruise with his celebrity friends. But he didn’t have a choice. Dozens of Facebook friends posted comments congratulating Teddy on his good luck, and disinviting him would be like a whole thing. With a sigh, Carl bought Teddy a flight to L.A., hoping he wouldn’t be able to make it. But of course, Teddy did.
One week into the cruise to Bora Bora, Carl was at his breaking point. Teddy was a Grade A Turkey, and a Grade A Moron. He stood on the deck for hours with binoculars to make sure they didn’t “hit any icebergs.” He had never heard Beyoncé’s music before, and referred to her as “the lady from Austin Powers 3.” And he accidentally broke a glass a day (at least), cracking the same joke after each piercing smash: Mazel tov!
Irritated, Carl pulled Teddy aside in his cabin, planning to tell the turkey off. But before Carl could say a word, Teddy said, “Yay! We’re alone! Now I can teach you The Way of the Wattle.” Off Carl’s blank stare, he explained that the fleshy protuberance under his chin is the wattle, which changes color based on mood -- red when seeking a mate, blue when scared, etc. Carl found this very uninteresting and guzzled another coconut margarita (which is just a substitute for a piña colada when you’ve run out of supplies.)
“It’s not just turkeys,” said Teddy. “Everybody has wattles. You just can’t see them until you learn The Way!” With a portentous wink, he reached into his neon fanny pack and pulled out a French style rolling pin. “Look, it’s easy,” said Teddy, and smacked Carl in the head.
“Ow!” cried Carl, buckling to his knees. “What the f***?” He got up to insult Teddy, and froze. In the mirror across the room, he saw his reflection. Indeed, there was a wattle. A wattle on a flamingo! His fingers passed through it, but it was definitely there.
“Just accept it,” said Teddy. “Accept the wattle. And look upon your soul!”
“No,” said Carl. “I’m not doing that.”
“Okay,” said Teddy. “Then check out everyone else’s wattle! It wears off in an hour.”
Over that hour, Carl checked out everyone’s wattles and came to a shocking realization: The celebrities liked Teddy. Captain Mario Lopez appreciated that Teddy stood on the deck for hours looking for obstacles, because his sonar was on the fritz. Beyoncé was tired of people praising her music and loved talking about Austin Powers: Goldmember. And everyone on the yacht -- especially Jay-Z and Ruth Bader Ginsberg -- thought it was hilarious that the turkey kept breaking glasses and quipping, “Mazel tov!”
Carl realized that the celebrities didn’t feel uncomfortable around Teddy. The celebrities felt uncomfortable around him, because he was acting so uncomfortable around Teddy. “My bad,” Carl told Teddy, upon returning to the cabin. “No prob” said Teddy. “See, I always want to know how everyone feels. So if they feel bad, I can try to make them feel better.”
“But doesn’t it take a toll on your brain?” asked Carl. “With all the head smacking?”
“Apple pancake lollipop,” said Teddy.
“What?” said Carl.
“Nothing,” said Teddy. “I love you.”
And so it was that Carl the Flamingo became close with his idiot cousin Teddy the Turkey. We all have that Idiotic Cousin who’s constantly in trouble for doing idiotic things, but they have a lot of positive qualities too, and sometimes you act like an idiot, so get off their back and grab a glass of champagne. (And if you knock it over, just laugh. Mazel tov!)