Shopping Bag
“Now, Carl, I want you to be on your BEST behavior tonight. This is REALLY important to me!!! If I sell enough of these products, I could win an all-expense paid trip for two to Tahiti!!!” Turlana (Carl the Flamingo’s...
“GET SOME THERAPY!!!” Carl the Flamingo’s neighbor yelled as she slammed the door in his face for the umpteenth time. All he’d done was fill her front yard fountain with ice and shrimp cocktail for his monthly key party. “What’s...
It was past midnight on Friday night. Carl the Flamingo was stranded at home thanks to car trouble. He was nestled into his hideous bachelor recliner, mindlessly stuffing his face with peeled shrimp and watching a new infomercial on the...
Lizzy Shea had a hankering for a blueberry fig bar and wandered into the break room to grab a snack. Carl the Flamingo was sitting at the table watching a video on his phone.“Next, I like to use a pair...
Carl the Flamingo was SO excited to host his first-ever slumber party!!! He had all kinds of fun things planned. He would order pizza and put out big bowls of candy and snacks. There would be a movie marathon of...
Carl the Flamingo fidgeted in the scratchy office chair, mindlessly screwing the cap of his water bottle ON and OFF. He supposed if he got bored enough, he could always make up fake constellations by staring at the holes in...
Turlana had been feeling anxious since their baby arrived. With Carl the Flamingo’s encouragement, she decided to get some outside perspective and joined a new moms group. She felt nervous as she approached the community center. Would the other moms...
In a sun-drenched studio with mirrored walls and carpeted pink floors that creaked under the weight of enthusiastic spandex-clad steps, the aerobics studio was a vibrant spectacle of color and energy. The walls were adorned with neon signs spouting inspirational...
SAVE YOUR LOVE LIFE WITH DUNGAREE DEBAUCHERYBy Dr. Roxy Skala, Love SpecialistIf you’re reading this, you and your partner have a terrible, unfulfilling love life. The algorithm doesn’t lie. We see you. Every time you try to reignite the passion,...
You step through a velvet curtain into first class. You draw in the scent of pure, unicorn-fart luxury. You see your flight attendants, who've had plastic surgery to look like your parents. They greet you with a warm hug and...
“I’m so tired of living in this disgusting bachelor pad, Carl! Just look at this bedroom! It screams ‘single, and staying that way.’ Where did you get these godawful scratchy sheets anyway, a hospital linen supplier? They’re giving me hives!...
When Carl the Flamingo recently traveled to Bradenton, Florida to take a tour of an orange juice factory, he stumbled upon a magical world when he accidentally flushed himself down a urinal with a motion sensor flusher (long story).After a...
