Incognito Plant Parent Origin Story
Turlana had been feeling anxious since their baby arrived. With Carl the Flamingo’s encouragement, she decided to get some outside perspective and joined a new moms group. She felt nervous as she approached the community center. Would the other moms be judgmental?! She’d seen how awfully they behaved in the online mommy groups she was part of, but maybe things would be different in person? “People can be SO cruel when they can hide behind a computer screen,” she festered as she clumsily fumbled with the heavy double doors. The cumbersome, bulky car seat she was lugging on her arm made her feel even more awkward as she struggled to get in.
Once inside the dated building, she set the car seat down and wriggled her hips, pulling her tight bandage dress back into place. Her forehead and upper lip were moist with perspiration from having her fur coat on during the struggle. ‘Would motherhood always be this difficult?!’ she wondered as she rearranged the pink flamingo-print blanket over the car seat, ensuring their baby was resting peacefully inside. She reapplied her cherry lacquer lip gloss and wandered down the hallway towards the sound of chattering voices and the smell of weak coffee. Her stilettos clickety-clacked on the Formica floors.
The room was decorated with bright construction paper cutouts of tiny handprints, and abstract children’s watercolors were strung up along the windows. An alphabet rug in bright primary colors hosted a circle of local moms. She took a seat in one of the empty chairs.
“I see we have some new faces here today!” The cheery group leader exclaimed, looking around the circle. “Would you like to introduce yourself and tell us why you’ve decided to join us today?!” Before Turlana could open her mouth, another woman started to speak.
“Hi everyone. I’m Heather, and this is my adorable baby, Hillary! She’ll be twelve months old next week. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start, but this whole motherhood thing just gets to me sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my little one for the world, but can we just acknowledge that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows all the time?! That it’s normal to have days where you just want to scream into a pillow?! The sleep deprivation alone is enough to drive a person insane. The neverending laundry, the parade of dirty diapers, the constant crying. My house is always a mess!” The other mothers in the circle nodded knowingly.
The group leader noticed Turlana’s hand raised, her fingers wiggling impatiently. “Do you have a question,” she asked, “or are you drying your nails?”
“Oh, no. Sorry,” Turlana interrupted. “So, my name’s Turlana. HI!!! I’m a Gemini, Scorpio rising, and this is Phil. He’s, I dunno, maybe three? NO. Six months old?” she pointed at the cloaked car seat. “I don’t want to sound judgmental, but I honestly can’t relate to anything you just said. I don’t want to brag, but Phil has literally NEVER cried. I don’t think I’ve ever heard even the tiniest peep out of him!!! Come to think of it, he’s never woken me up in the middle of the night or during my daily afternoon nap. He never makes a mess. Is that normal?!”
“Well, all babies are different…”
“And, maybe once or twice, I’ve had to rinse him off in the kitchen sink when he’s soiled himself, but I’ve NEVER had to change his diaper or do a load of laundry for him, or pick up after him…” She pulled a baby bottle filled with emerald green liquid out of her pocket and stuck it under the blanket.
“What are you doing?!” One of the other moms gasped in horror. “Is that tinker tea?! You’re not supposed to give juice to a baby under twelve months old!!!”
“Don’t be silly!” Turlana waved away their concern, “It’s just liquid plant food.” She pulled something out of her purse that resembled a cigarette and shoved it under the blanket, then lit up a cigarette for herself.
“Hey! There’s NO smoking in here!!!”
“What the f*ck?! Did you just give your baby a cigarette?!”
“Jeez. Ya’ll are SO judgmental!!! It was a fertilizer stake. Not EVERYONE has to breast feed you know!!!” Turlana was getting annoyed. She defiantly blew smoke rings into the air.
“I want to see this so-called ‘baby’ of yours!” One of the angry moms lunged towards Turlana, ripping the blanket off the car seat. Inside, she discovered a wilted philodendron in a plastic pot, still with the price sticker. Its leaves were turning yellow and crispy brown.
“You cannot be serious!!! Get out!!!” The group of women grabbed at Turlana and pushed her out into the hallway, chucking the car seat out after her.
“This group is for REAL moms, not incognito plant parents. I swear, every week, one of you freaks show up here thinking caring for a plant is the same thing as raising a human. IT’S NOT. Get some therapy!” the group leader snarled, then slammed the door in her face.
Turlana sank to the floor and sat there stunned for a moment but was instantly elated to see there was a foot fetish support group starting in twenty minutes down the hall. She forgot all about Phil, who was later thrown in the garbage when the custodian discovered him practically dead and abandoned in the hallway.
These sage-green Circle G sunnies with green gradient lenses were created in memory of Phil. (RIP, lil buddy.)
