Shopping Bag
CARL’S PROPOSAL FOR HIS OWN SUPER-SPY FILM FRANCHISE “After fleeing questionable-fashion-peddling twin assassins Gary Kate and Smashley in the Mall of America, mortally wounded British agent OO Face, dressed as a provocative circus clown and carrying a counterfeit rhinestoned Fabergé...
On Wednesday, two ornithologists at the Natural Avian Museum released the single “Stay Fly, Ornithologists.” The song features a bubbling pop-rap beat and lyrics full of cheesy bird puns. The ornithologists added that they are each going through an existential...
In the mood for an adventure? Why not go on a fossil finding expedition?! Fossil finding is like getting in nature’s time machine to travel back thousands of years without the exorbitant cost!!! And the best part is, you don’t...
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. It’s called CYA...
AN EDITORIAL BY DR. RAY, STING I graduated from the University of Oregon with a BS in Marine Biology. I earned an MS and PhD in Ocean Biosciences at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in San Diego. But now, as...
On Monday, adorable 8-year-old Mallory Patchteller brought homemade “dinosaur bones'' to Fogellson Elementary School for Show & Tell. The precocious boy gathered tree branches, painted them white, and claimed he found them in his backyard. However, third-grade teacher Mr. McManus...
Just as you get settled into your cramped airline seat for takeoff it begins… “Gouda day ladies and gentlemen, my name is Brie and I’ll brie serving you today. On behalf and half of Captain Stilton and the entire Crudités,...
Do you suspect that one of the reasons why you never get a second date is because your dates don’t think your 1987 sloppy jalopy is up to snuff? (Uh yeah, we totally agree with you that it couldn’t possibly...
8 REASONS WE’RE F***ING AWESOME BY OPHELIA THE OCTOPUS Hi. This is Ophelia the Octopus. Yes, octopuses can read and write. We’re far more evolved than humans, and the fact we haven’t shared that with you yet proves our advanced...
CARL’S HOT HUSTLIN’ AS A SUCCESSFUL CAM-MINGO Like many people, you’ve probably considered ways to earn extra income working from home. You may not know this, but Carl the Flamingo’s main source of income is actually from being a successful...
3 PITCHES FOR A CITRON+ALT+DELETE ORIGIN STORY LILY’S PITCH “I’ve got an idea for an origin story where a gal buys a computer, and the keyboard has a ‘citron’ key instead of a ‘control’ key. She figures it’s a typo,...
CONFESSIONS OF A TABAHOLIC: TEDDY THE TURKEY SPEAKS OUT “Hi everyone. My name is Teddy the Turkey, and I’m a tabaholic. “It started off slow. I kept tabs open for Gmail, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Twitch and Reddit. I thought...
