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goodrTIMES

A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF THE BENEFITS OF BEING SHORTER

When we were tasked with coming up with reasons why being short has benefits, we weren’t sure exactly what our extremely lazy internet research would unearth. It turns out that there are actual REAL benefits. (The behemoth writing this story had no idea!!!) But here we are…

THE HEALTH BENEFITS:
Oh, come on!!! Health benefits?! You’ve got to be joking right?! Just for fun, we googled “the benefits of being short” and learned that apparently, taller people are at a higher risk of developing certain cancers. Supposedly, having longer legs basically means a witch doctor put a curse on your colon too. Being short is also better for your circulation which means a lower risk of developing blood clots. Guess when your blood has less distance to travel, the less cranky and congealed-y it gets, kind of like a bratty toddler on a road trip. Also, this next theory is not fully baked yet, but supposedly shorter people live longer too.

IF THIS BOD’S A ROCKIN’...
Don’t let TV tropes about how much it sucks to be a short dude in the dating pool fool you. Those were written by angry bitter tall people who get plenty of dates but apparently aren’t sealing the deal as often as their shorter counterparts. According to some numbers we stole from the internet, dudes under 5’9” knock boots 3X more per week than their taller counterparts. Gives new meaning to the nickname “fun-sized” if you ask us!!! Could this also be why shorter dudes are less likely to get divorced? Seems to add up. The internet says it’s because shorter dudes tend to get married later. Either way, sounds like shorties are coming out on top…and bottom…and well, you get what we’re getting at.

MAD SKILLS?!
Supposedly people who are shorter make better distance runners (specifically smaller people with bird legs, aka skinny legs. We don’t know if this is really true as this seems to be a controversial topic on the internet. Do with it what you will!!! Let’s focus on some other positives instead. Smaller people are better at gymnastics. Smaller people are more nimble, harder targets when playing dodgeball. Plus, you could totally be a jockey for a racehorse with a cool name like “Crumbdilly Meowington III”.

THE ONLY THING SEPARATING US FROM THE ANIMALS IS OUR ABILITY TO ACCESSORIZE:
Did you just give us a weird look like Annelle gave Clairee in Steel Magnolias when she said this at the Christmas party? Man, we hope so, we’ve only been waiting to say it since we saw that movie in 1989. So yeah, you get to rock these small but mighty NEW Short With Benefits Little F*cking goodrs. They’re sized perfectly for your longer-living-superior-health-gets-laid-more-if-you’re-a-dude-pro-dodgeball-dodging smaller noggin.