My Other Ride Is A Jetpack Origin Story

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A BUTT-WIZARD NAMED RAYZOR THE MAGNIFICENT. IN THAT TIME, MOST WIZARDS FOCUSED ON A SPECIFIC PART OF THE HUMAN BODY, WHILE A FEW HIGHLY TRAINED WIZARDS PERFORMED SPELLS ON WHOLE BODIES.

HOWEVER, RAYZOR DIDN’T WANT TO BE A BUTT-WIZARD. HE WANTED TO BE AN EYE-WIZARD. HE LOVED EYES!!! NOT BUTTS. INCREASING BUTT SIZE, DECREASING BUTT SIZE, AND MAKING FARTS SMELL LIKE ROSES DID NOT SPARK JOY FOR HIM.

SECRETLY, RAYZOR WORKED ON CREATING MAGICAL SUNGLASSES. HE WANTED TO PUSH THE BOUNDARIES OF FASHION, INNOVATE NEW LEVELS OF FUNCTIONALITY, AND MAKE IT POSSIBLE TO VIEW FANTASTIC REALMS BY TAPPING THE FRAMES.

RAYZOR HAD A PECULIAR SENSE OF HUMOR, WHICH GOT HIM IN A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH WIZARD HR. AS HE MIXED HIS POTIONS AND LENSES, HE ENVISIONED SHADES THAT EMBODIED THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE AND THE ABSURDITY OF LIFE ITSELF.

THUS, HE CREATED MY OTHER RIDE IS A JET PACK!!! WRAPAROUND SHADES WITH AN ANTI-FOG LENS THAT DIDN’T JUST BLOCK THE SUN. WITH A MERE TOUCH OF THE MAGENTA-YELLOW FRAMES, THEY TRANSPORTED WEARERS TO A FANTASTIC REALM.

OF COURSE, THIS WAS NOT WHAT HE WANTED TO CREATE. HE WANTED WEARERS TO SEE FANTASTICAL REALMS, NOT BE TRANSPORTED THERE WITHOUT ANY WAY TO GET BACK. BUT WHAT DID HE EXPECT? HIS SPECIALTY WAS BUTTS. NOT EYES.

SO, RAYZOR THE MAGNIFICENT SPENT DECADES VISITING RANDOM FANTASTIC REALMS. HE EXPLORED CRYSTAL CAVERNS. HE ESCAPED THE ISLE OF GIANTS. HE BROKE BREAD (WELL, BRAINS) WITH ZOMBIE DINOSAURS. IT WAS PRETTY RAD.

YES, THE SUNNIES ADDED ADVENTURE TO HIS BORING-ASS LIFE. BUT RAYZOR BEGAN LONGING TO GET BACK TO HIS WORLD. EVERY TIME HE TAPPED THE WRAP GS AND PINBALLED THROUGH SPACE AND TIME, HE HOPED TO REACH HIS HOME REALM.

ONE DAY, RAYZOR WAS TRANSPORTED TO INGLEWOOD, CA, OUTSIDE THE GOODR SUNGLASSES OFFICE. THE CEO, CARL THE FLAMINGO, WAS ARRIVING TO WORK EARLY, AT 1 PM. WITH AN EXCITED SQUAWK, CARL INVITED RAYZOR TO HIS OFFICE.

THEY TRADED TALES. CARL ADMIRED RAYZOR’S SUNNIES AND TOOK PHOTOS SO GOODR COULD REPLICATE THE STYLE. RAYZOR REALIZED CARL WAS KIIIIIND OF STEALING HIS DESIGN, AND DEMANDED COMPENSATION. F-BOMBS FLEW RAMPANT.

“OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. FINE, BUTT-WIZARD!!!” SQUAWKED CARL THE FLAMINGO. “I’LL CUT YOU IN ON MY OTHER RIDE IS A JET PACK IF YOU CAN PROVE THE SUNNIES ARE FUNCTIONAL. TAKE OFF THE REMOVABLE NOSE PIECE AND SWITCH SIZES.”

“NO PROBLEM,” SAID RAYZOR THE MAGNIFICENT. HE REACHED TO TAKE OFF THE SUNNIES, AND THE MOMENT HE TOUCHED THEM, HIS EYES BULGED, NOTICING HIS MISTAKE. WITH A CURSE, HE WAS VIOLENTLY TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER REALM.

WHERE IS RAYZOR NOW? IN HIS HOME REALM? HOPING TO GET THERE? HOPING TO GET BACK TO CARL’S REALM FOR REVENGE? NOBODY KNOWS. ALL WE KNOW IS CARL THE FLAMINGO LAUGHED AT HIS OWN TRICKERY, THEN PAUSED, WITH SADNESS.

“CRAP,” SAID CARL. “I OULD’VE ASKED HIM TO GIVE ME A BADONKADONK. DO PEOPLE STILL SAY BADONKADONK?”

“NO!!!” THE GEN Z GOODR EMPLOYEES LISTENING OUT HIS DOOR YELLED. “NO CAP.”