Crystal Clear Chaos Origin Story
ONCE UPON A TIME, THE HOTTEST NIGHTCLUB IN LOS ANGELES WAS IN THE SEWER. IT WAS CALLED SAUNTERESSA. YOU ENTERED THROUGH A MANHOLE IN THE WEST HOLLYWOOD DISCO CLUB THE MAN HOLE. IT WAS GUARDED BY BEARS. BOTH KINDS.
WHEN YOU ENTERED THE MANHOLE, YOU CLIMBED DOWN A LADDER AND WERE GREETED BY A CELEBORG. THAT’S AN ANDROID WITH THE BRAIN OF A DEAD CELEBRITY. EVERY CELEBRITY SIGNS UP FOR THIS SO THEY CAN LIVE FOREVER.
“OH, REALLY?” YOU SCOFF. “WHY HAVEN’T I SEEN THEM, THEN?” ‘CUZ CELEBORGS DON’T LOOK LIKE CELEBRITIES. THEY LOOK LIKE UNATTRACTIVE “NORMIES.” THIS IS INTENTIONAL, SO THEY DON’T ATTRACT ATTENTION. THE TECHNOLOGY IS SUS.
HOWEVER, THERE’S A PRICE FOR ETERNAL LIFE: ALL THE CELEBORGS MUST TAKE TURNS GUIDING TRENDY CLUBGOERS THROUGH THE DARK, MAZEY SEWER TUNNELS TO SAUNTERESSA. IT’S A BUMMER. (HEY, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER, RIGHT?)
BUT ONE NIGHT IN THE CLUB, AMIDST THE PULSATING BEATS AND NEON LIGHTS, A DARING HEIST WAS UNDERWAY. THE TARGET? A RARE GEM: THE CHAOS CRYSTAL. ITS PROPERTIES ALLOWED HUMAN BRAINS TO FUSE WITH ROBOTS TO CHEAT DEATH.
THE STAR OF THE SITCOM “DAN-CING WITH THE DEVIL,” DAN GRAPEHARD, ENTERED THE CLUB. EVERYONE THOUGHT HE WAS JUST AN UP-AND-COMING CELEBRITY. BUT HE WAS REALLY A SPY SENT TO STEAL THE CRYSTAL TO SHARE WITH ALL HUMANITY.
“DAN-CING WITH THE DEVIL” WAS ABOUT A GUY WHO MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL, BUT DIDN’T SELL HIS SOUL. TOO EXTREME. HE ASKED FOR A MINOR DREAM, TO BE A PROFESSIONAL TAP DANCER, FOR A MINOR PRICE: THE DEVIL IS HIS ROOMMATE!!!
AFTER A WHIRLWIND OF DECEPTION, DOUBLE-CROSSES, AND PRETTY LEGIT COSTUME WORK, DAN INFILTRATED THE SAUNTERESSA’S SAFE, STOLE THE CHAOS CRYSTAL, AND STASHED INTO THE POCKET OF HIS SPARKLY VELVET HAMMER PANTS.
DAN WAS ABOUT TO GET AWAY SCOTT-FREE. HOWEVER, AFTER NINE SEASONS ON A CORNY MULTI-CAM SITCOM, HE COULDN’T STOP MAKING CORNY JOKES. ESPECIALLY PUNS. AT FIRST, HE DID IT IRONICALLY. THEN, HE JUST COULDN’T CONTROL IT!!!
SO, WHEN DAN RETURNED TO THE LADDER TO CLIMB OUT OF THE SEWER, THE CELEBORG ESCORT ASKED, “DID YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT TONIGHT?” “OH,” SAID DAN, WITH A SMUG GRIN, PATTING HIS POCKET. “I THINK THAT’S CRYSTAL CLEAR.”
THE CELEBORG IMMEDIATELY KNEW DAN STOLE THE CRYSTAL AND LUNGED AT HIM. DAN DODGED, SAYING, “HEY, THIS REMINDS ME…WHY DON’T SKELETONS FIGHT EACH OTHER?” THE CELEBORG SHRUGGED. “BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE THE GUTS!!!”
“OHHHH,” THE CELEBROG CURLED IN PAIN, PHYSICALLY HURT FROM THE CORNY DAD JOKE. QUICKLY, DAN SCURRIED UP THE LADDER, OUT OF THE MANHOLE, PAST THE BEARS (BOTH KINDS), AND ONTO THE MAN HOLE’S CROWDED DANCE FLOOR.
FEELING A BURNING SENSATION IN HIS POCKET, DAN REACHED FOR THE CHAOS CRYSTAL, ONLY TO DISCOVER IT HAD FUSED WITH HIS WRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES. CURIOUS, HE PUT THEM ON–AND SCREAMED SO LOUD THE DJ CUT OFF THE MUSIC.
THE SUNNIES FUSED WITH DAN’S FACE, TRANSFORMING HIM INTO A MAGICAL CYBORG AND POISONING HIS BRAIN WITH CHAOS. WITH A LEAP, DAN SNATCHED THE DISCO BALL FROM THE CEILING, TURNING IT AGLOW, AND CARRIED IT OUTSIDE.
“HEY, HOLLYWOOD,” SAID DAN, STANDING OUTSIDE THE CLUB. “LET’S GET SMASHED.” HE SPIKED THE DISCO BALL ON THE STREET, SHATTERING IT INTO GLOWING SHARDS. THEN HE STARTED TAP DANCING, KICKING THE SHARDS IN EVERY DIRECTION.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. THE CHAOS SHARDS SPREAD OVER THE PLANET, TRANSFORMING EVERY HUMAN INTO A MAGICAL CYBORG. IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG FOR OUR WORLD TO TURN INTO A TOXIC DYSTOPIAN APOCALYPSE OF TAPDANCING HELL.
TODAY, GLASS SHATTERS. FIRE RAGES. ALARMS BLARE. DEBRIS FLIES. MAYHEM REIGNS. BUT YOU SAY “THIS IS FINE,”, AND WIPE OFF THE LENSES OF THE SUNNIES PERMANENTLY FUSED TO YOUR FACE. “I’M USED TO CRYSTAL CLEAR CHAOS.”
