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1. All those 1s and 0s are super confusing.

The imperial system is specific: 12 inches in 1 foot, 3 feet in one yard, 5,280 feet in 1 mile. You never get those numbers mixed up. Now look at the metric system: 10 cm in 1m -- wait, no, 100cm. 100m in 1 km -- wait, no 1,000km. And a “megameter” is...10,000 cm? 100,000m? Who knows? 0s and 1s are for computers, not for humans.

2. We’re not changing football fields.

Every American football field (the real football, not soccer) has 100 yards, with divisions every 10 yards. It’s perfect. Can you imagine how much work it would be to repaint everything, AND how weird the color commentary would sound? “Oh, there’s the Denver Broncos at the 18.288 meter-line. Just 9.144 meters to go for a first down. And there’s the hut! Ooh, a gain of 2.7432 meters!” Sounds stupid af.

3. The names of the seven base units suck.

Unit for length: meter. NOPE. Reminds us of parking meters.

Unit for mass: kilogram. NOPE. People weigh pounds, illegal drugs weigh kilograms.

Unit for time: second. NOPE. Too short. Minutes and hours are imperial, and they sound normal. People say, “I’ll meet you in an hour,’ not “I’ll meet you in 3,600 seconds.”

Unit for electric current: ampere. NOPE. Don’t need to measure this, not important.

Unit for temperature: kelvin. NOPE. lol, wtf? “Kelvin” sounds like the name of a creeper on Tinder who keeps sending unsolicited selfies of his hairy back.

Unit for luminous intensity: candela. NOPE. Just say “bright” or “bright af.”

Unit for amount of substance: mole. NOPE. Ew. Moles are gross af.

4. We hold motherf***ing grudges.

In 1798, France invited dignitaries from foreign countries to a scientific conference in Paris to learn about the metric system. But they didn’t invite the United States of America. Really, France? You invite people from Spain, Italy, Denmark, The Netherlands, and f***ing Switzerland, but you don’t invite America?!?!?! If you don't invite us to a party, f*** you. WE NEVER FORGET. So this 4th of July, put on patriotic Screw The Metric System sunnies, chug a beer, and scream "IMPERIAL SYSTEM FOR LIFE!”


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