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goodrTIMES

IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A SHRIMP

By now you may have noticed that we have written several stories lauding the benefits of being small. Obviously, there are benefits, like the fact that people with small heads will never know the terror of having their head get stuck in a stair rail while babysitting the neighbors’ kids. Wait, does that actually happen to people in real life? Or was that just a dumb episode of Full House? Who knows. (OK, we do. We know. It WAS an episode of Full House.) In all fairness, we feel compelled to point out the pitfalls of being petite. Things that 6’ 4” giant, Bob Saget (RIP), probably never experienced. It’s the right thing to do. So here goes…

Reason 1:
You probably never got picked (except picked on) during recess or P.E. class when it came time to play basketball or tetherball.

Reason 2:
Even though you can save money by shopping in the kid's section, you may find it difficult to find black-tie attire in the Tween Dreamz Department that doesn’t look like you’re going to a make-believe wedding at Chuck E Cheez. Unfortunately, the clothing in the adult section won’t fit you properly, so you’ll have to shell out extra bones to have them altered. That means tacking on at least an extra $15-$30 to the cost of a skirt or pants if you decide to get them hemmed professionally by a tailor or seamstress. Or you can do what we do and use a stapler. Just know that they’ll rust in the wash. So make sure you’re also up to date on your TDAP vaccine.

Reason 3:
You can’t reach anything on the top shelf. You probably always have to have a stool in your kitchen; one that you’re constantly stubbing your toes on because your small apartment sucks and has zero storage. But hey, at least you’re small enough to hide in the cabinet above your refrigerator if a burglar breaks in!!!

Reason 4:
You may have a constant neck ache from having to stare up at people’s faces. You can probably see any nose goblins they’ve got hanging around and any extra-long nose hairs they’ve got cultivating. At least you can have the smug satisfaction of telling your nemesis at work that they have “a bat in the cave” in front of everyone. Maybe they’ll stop patting you on the head now.

Reason 5:
You practically suffocate to death every time you get sucked into your Great Aunt Erzebet’s massive bosom when she goes to give you a hug. It smells like mothballs and Dentu-Grip in here!!! Let us out, let us out!!! Is that a Raisinette stuck to our cheek? Wonder how long that’s been in there… Oh, well. It’s better than hugging Young Cousin Arvid. He’s only 23 years old, but had to get a mechanical heart while he was in college. Whenever you hug him, you can hear it tick. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. It’s very unsettling. (And why are his hands always so cold?!)

Reason 6:
You always got turned away at amusement parks when it came to riding the really big, really scary roller coasters that prove one is a total badass. “You must be this tall to ride.” You poor bastard, you probably had to develop a personality or really great sense of humor to make up for your shortcomings. (*snicker snicker* We swear that pun was a total accident!!!) Just kidding, riding a roller coaster doesn’t make you a badass. Everyone knows that being a badass comes from things like knowing how to write really good lists, like this one. Know what else makes you a badass? Impeccable style. The kind that can be found in these NEW Shrimpin’ Ain’t Easy Little F*cking goodrs. They won’t slip or bounce if you ever finally get to ride one of those really big, really scary coasters!!!