THE SMALL BUT MIGHTY BENEFITS OF SITTING IN THE MIDDLE SEAT
Everyone treats the middle seat like an unwanted stepchild. NO ONE wants to sit in the middle seat. We’re here to tell you that you’ve been approaching the middle seat ALL WRONG!!! (We love to say we told you so. Spoiler alert, we’re going to tell you that we told you so at the end of this story.) Here are our top reasons why the middle seat should be revered as THE most desirable seat:
1. You’re a totally responsible, law-abiding citizen right?! That means when you’ve spent the night engaging in drunken debauchery doing body shots off of Carl the Flamingo’s fuzzy pink navel, you will do the responsible thing and summon yourself a rideshare ride. You’re going to want a jet of ice-cold air conditioning blasting you square in the face so you don’t blow chunks in your driver’s car because blowing chunks means also blowing an extra $250-$500 on the cleaning fee. That’s a whole lotta bones better spent on a delicious greasy carb-laden brunch and bottomless bloody marys for you and your friends!!! Also, if you sit in the passenger seat, you risk having your AC filtered through your driver’s pits, which may or may not smell like Old Spice, and by old spice, we mean cumin or grilled onions.
2. If you’re on an airplane, the middle seat means that you get double the fun! Double the weirdos to talk to! That means more networking opportunities! Maybe you can finally find a date for your hopelessly desperate stage five clinger single white female roommate who got the same haircut as you, you know, so she doesn’t murder your boyfriend?! Maybe you’ll finally score a date for Thanksgiving so your crotchety Aunt Agatha can stop giving you sh*t about how your eggs or testicles are shriveling into sad dead raisins?! Not to mention, you get double the armrests!!! Double the shoulders to rest your head on!!! Double the people you can ask, “Hey, are you gonna eat that?!” Hell, you should feel totally free to act like a selfish butthole and steal a ‘lil extra leg room from your neighbors!!! There’s no way YOU, a travel martyr who nobly selected the middle seat so others don’t have to suffer, is a selfish butthole. You’re practically eligible for sainthood for selecting the middle seat. Plus, the flight attendant may take pity on you and give you extra snacks and bevvies!!!
3. If you’re in a vehicle, there’s a high probability that you most likely will have a waist-only seat belt. That means every time your road-rage-riddled father slams on the brakes and then rapidly speeds up again only to slam on the brakes again, you won’t practically be decapitated by those annoying shoulder belts that slice into your neck and rip your skin tags off in the process and restrict your movement so badly that you constantly have to unplug and replug in your seatbelt while your parents scream at you to put your seatbelt back on. The constant stop-go-stop-go stop-go brings us back again to the direct stream of ice-cold AC blasting you in the face, reducing the probability of barfing due to dad’s motion sickness-inducing driving. See? Everything comes full circle.
Of course, we could go on and on and on about how great the middle seat advantage is, but we’ve already 100% proven our point. In fact, we are SO convinced, that we created these Middle Seat Advantage Little F*cking goodrs, in honor of those lucky souls with small noggins, who fit in the middle seat like a child sitting in first class.
Oh yeah, told you so.