It’s Not Black, It’s Obsidian Origin Story

A HIPSTER’S ANGRY RANT AFTER SOMEONE CALLED HIS GLASSES “BLACK” INSTEAD OF “OBSIDIAN”

“‘I like your BLACK sunglasses?!?! Really? BLACK sunglasses? You think I’d be caught dead in BLACK sunglasses? If I died and somebody put black shades on my face, I’d come back to life and shove ‘em up their candy ass! Like I’m so basic I wear black -- I’m not basic. I’m complicated! I’m a human labyrinth! And these sunnies aren’t black. THEY’RE OBSIDIAN! OBSIDIAN!!!!!

“Oh, that’s right, you don’t know what obsidian is, ‘cuz you’re a FRICKEN MORON. Well, let me educate you: Obsidian is a naturally occurring volcanic glass formed as an extrusive igneous rock. Black is the most common color, YES -- DOY! -- but it can also be brown, tan, green, blue, red, orange, yellow, or a combination swirled together, like the iridescent "rainbow obsidian,” YOU STUPID BUTTSUCKER. Obsidian is unique. JUST. LIKE. ME!!!!!

“BLACK sunglasses? Really? BLACK?!?! NO! NO-NO-NO-NO-NO! How dare you compliment me on the color of my sunshades and get the color wrong. Would you say to Marilyn Monroe “I like your orange hair”? Would you say to The Hulk “I like your blue skin”? Would you say to Carl the Flamingo ‘I like your purple feathers’? NO. YOU WOULDN’T. YOU WOUDN’T!!! SO DON’T BE SO DISRESPECTFUL TO ME!!!!

“What, what, what, what, what, what, do you think I’m some basic bumpkin bum born in a barn. NO!!! I’M NOT! I’m a fashionista! I’m a style icon! I’m glamorous! I’m classy! I’m chic! WHAT ARE YOU?! Nothing! YOU’RE NOTHING! All you do is walk down the street giving strangers compliments with false information. It’s not a compliment. IT’S AN INSULT!

“Don’t you EVER say my obsidian sunglasses are black. EVER. Now, can you tell me where the Vintage Vista movie theater is? I want to see Cinderella.”

(The following rant was overheard in Los Feliz on February 5, 2021. Sources say the angry hipster was Gavin the Grouse, a retro gaming personality. Last October, Gavin went on an angry rant during a livestream after someone said “It’s just a game.”)