A FASHION EDITOR’S RANT AFTER SOMEONE CALLED HER GLASSES “BLACK” INSTEAD OF “NOIR”
Carl the Flamingo had just sat down at a sidewalk cafe in Manhattan with a newspaper and his overpriced coffee when he witnessed a bizarre exchange between an obvious tourist and an exceptionally well-put-together older woman with a silver bob and giant
cat-eye sunglasses.
“‘BLACK sunglasses’?! Really? BLACK sunglasses? As in basic black? If you had any sense you would recognize that I am anything but basic. I’m practically fashion industry royalty! I was doing lines in the bathroom at Studio 54 when Halston decided to sell his clothes at Penney’s. PENNEY’S!!! You were probably just a sniveling snot-nosed brat wiping his boogers on his tired suburban mother’s mass-produced polyester skirt. Your only exposure to (and I use this term lightly) FASHION was hiding in a clothing rack at some random podunk mall department store while your mother picked through clearance racks of lumpy, shapeless sweaters and synthetic silk rags that didn’t breathe. Of course, all of it was designed for the masses in an effort to give women a tiny taste of the sophisticated life I was actually LIVING in New York City!!!
“These sunglasses aren’t black. They’re NOIR, Darling. Oh, that’s right, you don’t know what noir is, because you’re just an unsophisticated couch barnacle in your ratty comic book character t-shirt, cargo shorts, and orange foam sandals. What do you carry in all of those pockets anyway, hmmm? Tater tots left over from your sad, plebian, beige lunch? What makes you think people want to see your filthy, disgusting hooves? I bet ‘dry-clean-only’ translates to ‘never-been-cleaned’ in your house because you obviously don’t know anything about caring for the finer things in life.
“BLACK sunglasses? How DARE you. Would you say to Gianni Versace, ‘Oh, I like the green floral muumuu you designed for JLO’? Would you say to Alexander McQueen, ‘I like your adorable Halloween costumes’? NO. YOU WOULDN’T. YOU WOULDN’T!!! Well, actually, you probably would. But as I was saying, how DARE you?!?!”
“I’m a style icon! I have more sophistication in my pinky nail than an entire carnival of your family’s dead ancestors. I’m chic! I’m cultured! I’m avant-garde. WHAT ARE YOU?! Nothing! YOU’RE NOTHING! Your very existence is an affront to the very delicacy of my nature…Now, if you will excuse me, I am late for my vampire facial.”
Carl was inspired by the awful woman’s passion for fashion and decided to create these all-black (oops, we mean noir) cat-eye sunglasses with black non-reflective lenses and light gold accents. (Naturally, they’re called It’s Noir, Darling.)
