On a recent visit to the dog park, Bosley the Basset Hound’s ghost whispered into Carl the Flamingo’s ear, “I dare you to drink that reclaimed water they’re using to water the lawn…”
Not wanting Bosley’s ghost to think he was ‘chicken,’ and certain that the only downside to drinking the water would be a wicked case of diarrhea (which was always a welcome excuse to get out of couples therapy with his on-again-off-again-but-mostly-off-again fiance Turlana Quackenbush), Carl cackled and gleefully took several gulps from the park’s garden hose.
Within the first hour of drinking from the hose, Carl started acting even more belligerent than usual. He insisted that he establish dominance at the pond by chasing the Canadian geese around. He teased the hungry geese by making out with pimiento cheese sandwiches and sticking his tongue out at them to show them the chewed-up blobs of white bread and cheese spread. He laughed hysterically like your friend’s stoner brother from high school. When we confronted him about his appalling behavior, he apologized and invited the geese to an orgy at his “pineapple palace” that night. (Typical.) When we reminded him that he doesn’t actually have a pineapple palace, he called us a dullard and a peasant and demanded we get him a forty of malt liquor from the liquor store down the street.
When we returned, we discovered that in the half hour that we were gone, he somehow managed to recruit the children from the playground to build him a palatial hut made out of mud and popsicle sticks. Carl insisted this new dwelling was his personal pineapple palace and swore up and down that it would be guarded night and day by a rabid three-headed Basset Hound with a turtle shell named Myrtle Urkel. (Sure, Carl. Sure.)
Someone tipped off Parks and Rec. to the presence of Carl’s new dwelling, and they rapidly appeared on the scene. They were already familiar with Carl’s shenanigans thanks to his heroic efforts at Lettuce Lace Park in 2021. They asked him to tear down his unpermitted dwelling, citing building codes and child labor laws and were surprised to find him defiant and combative.
Carl yelled, “Myrtle, Sic Balls!!!” fully expecting a vicious Hound of Hell to materialize out of thin air to protect his precious palace. But as the rest of us predicted, nothing happened. Oh, except Carl got carted off in handcuffs. Again. (He’s going to be SO sad when he discovers that the geese burned down his hut with a molotov cocktail.) While he was waiting in the drunk tank, Bosley’s ghost visited him again and whispered, “I dare you to make a pair of tortoiseshell BFGs and call them Hellhound Hallucinations.” And so, of course, he did. (When has listening to Bosley’s ghost ever steered him wrong?)
