OR, GET ON THEIR LEVEL…
We recently called upon our customers with small heads to test out our new perfectly petite Little F*cking goodrs to find out why being smaller is better. We should all get on their level:
“My company recently sponsored a mandatory survival-style team-building event in the Santa Monica Mountains. Our CEO told us that we had to find our way out of the woods to the designated parking area by dusk or we would not get a ride home and we’d have to spend the night in the wilderness with only the clothing on our backs. He took away our phones, compasses, and matches because he said it would “make things more interesting”. Thanks to my small build, I was able to stow away in his pack, and then when we got to the parking lot, I used the element of surprise to overpower him (another benefit of being small). Then I stole the keys to his Ferrari, gagged him, and threw him in the trunk of his car. I mocked him by saying I was trying to make the experience “more interesting” for him. The rest of us took turns whipping sh*tties in the parking lot in the Ferrari while we made s’mores, sang Kumbaya, and giggled at the muffled sounds of barfing coming from the trunk. A great time was had by all. My new Little F*cking goodrs did not slip or bounce at all during our festivities. PLUS, I got SO many compliments on them while waiting in line at the unemployment office.”
Dashley Kraft, 27, Professional Tiny Badass from Playa Del Rey, CA.
“I’m gonna make this short and sweet, no pun intended, HA!!! Being smaller means you’ve got the tactical advantage at frat parties. Let’s say you get invited to the Gamma Omicron pool party. You are a shoo-in for chicken champion. You are way easier to lift up on someone’s shoulders, plus your small size makes it easier to maintain your balance when going up against the Latvian women’s basketball team exchange students residing at sister sorority Delta Mu. Your smaller size also means you can get wasted on fewer drinks, which is great since the best you can expect to get is warm gelatin shots with an octane rating and generic beer that tastes like fermented pee. I wish they existed when I was a pledge, but these LFG sunnies won’t slip or bounce while you get chased out of a rival frat house for flushing cherry bombs down the toilet, which is the best way to distract them while you steal their beloved taxidermied mascot for your own diabolical homecoming ransom schemes.”
Kaurabh Sikani, age ? Rejected Alpha Chi Chi pledge, Horlicks University ‘96-’08
“My husband’s a real cheapskate. I know now that he married me so he could save money on everything from food, beverages, drugs, clothes, admission to movies and museums, etc., all due to my smaller stature. Over the years as I began to age, I kept trying to tell him that no restaurant server would believe that a normal child would have gray hair and crow’s feet. Whenever anyone questioned him though, he’d just insist that I’d had “a rough life” or that I had been repeatedly struck by lightning. He even started a ballot initiative in California to create a new law that would forbid businesses from asking a customer’s age when determining eligibility for certain discounts. (It was VERY popular in Orange County but never gained the required number of signatures needed to move forward.) I begged him to just once let me order from the regular menu, but no dice. Not even on our anniversary. The good news is, he never scoffed at purchasing goodr’s ‘ffordable $25 sunglasses. The even better news is, they now have these new smaller Little F*cking goodr sunnies that are perfect for my tiny head, so I have even more styles to choose from. They didn’t slip or bounce when I kicked his cheap a$$ to the curb, OR when I bonged our divorce lawyer in the Caribbean on the yacht I purchased with my divorce settlement.”
Taffeta Klein, 47. Living, laughing, loving divorcee from Chula Vista, CA
We don’t know about you, but we certainly found these testimonials inspiring. We need to up our own game and get on their level. Wait a second, we just did with these NEW Get On My Level Little F*cking goodrs, and now YOU can too!!!