Dawn of a New Sage Origin Story

CARL THE FLAMINGO RECENTLY OVERHEARD THIS CONVERSATION WHILE DRINKING A MUSHROOM FOAM LATTE AT URTH BOUND CAFE IN WEST HOLLYWOOD…
“Wait, who’s Dawn of a New Sage again?!”

“Isn’t that the flake who sells her candida cleanse tea for $15 per teabag behind Erewhon in Santa Monica?! Everyone knows it’s just baby laxative crushed up with old oregano she buys from the dollar store. My friend Cassidy swears she found dryer lint in hers. She totally had to go to the E.R. because her throat closed up when she drank the tea, supposedly because she’s allergic to non-designer fabric softener? Oh, and her body? Totally still riddled with candida. Which has rendered her, like, completely useless!!!”

“Yeah, I heard that Dawn chick is living out of her van at Dockweiler, after she totes caught her ‘vegan’ fiance eating hot dogs at Rocket Dog. They weren’t even organic or all beef. They were generic ‘meat wieners’. The kind that is mostly beaks and buttholes. Like, totally not OK!!! Oh, and the worst part? He was with that spandex troll from our Bikram Yoga studio. The one with the lip injections!!!”

“OK, that’s like, literally everyone in our class. Do you mean the one with the Brazilian butt lift?!”

“Oh. My. God. YES!!! Ugh, I hate that b*tch!!! Great butt though. Talk about toxic. That girl has some seriously bad juju.”

“Who, Dawn?”

“NO!!! The spandex troll from yoga. Duh!!!”

“We should totaaaally pretend she farted the next time we’re in class. People will be so grossed out since it’s like, a million degrees in there.”

This conversation broke Carl’s heart. He cried big crocodile tears, denting the fungus foam on his latte. How would anyone ever know about these fabulous NEW sage green Dawn of a New Sage OG goodrs? When some new-age weirdo was out there selling her counterfeit candida tea under the same name?! Maybe if he burned down her van, she would consider legally changing her name to Dawn of a New Rage? He made a note in his journal to pick up some lighter fluid and matches on the way home.