Carl the Flamingo is the ultimate wingman, whether he is your literal co-pilot when flying a plane, or a metaphorical co-pilot when you’re out at a bar looking to score. When you fly with Carl, it’s first class all the way, baby!!! Here are a few tips to keep your relationship with Carl in tip-top shape, so you can continue to reap the benefits of this co-dependent relationship.
1. Keep the booze flowing. A tipsy Carl is a happy Carl. He may get belligerent. Just ride it out.
2. You should always come prepared with the following items. They should be packed in a Mary Poppins-style carpet bag that magically fits anything and everything in it.
-A tickle whip
-An economy-sized gallon of lube
-Your little black book
-Shrimp cocktail sauce
-Pina Colada mix
-Your crypto portfolio
-A blow-up doll
-A love doll that looks just like Carl (don’t ask)
-An Italian sports car (preferably a Lambo or Ferrari)
-A fat roll of hundies
-High-end cologne (none of that drugstore sh*t please)
-A switchblade comb
-A doomsday food bucket purchased from religious TV
-A box of Count Squawkula chocolate cereal
-A copy of Carl’s terrible album, I Have These On Vinyl, Too, where he drunkenly improvises songs over boom-bap nu-metal techno riffs.
-A set of golf clubs
-A silk smoking jacket
-A love letter from “Mitts,” a inmate at Appachobie Federal Correctional Facility, and self-described “beefcake”
-A whoopie cushion
3. We think this next thing goes without saying, but ALWAYS order bottle service and shellfish when applicable.
4. Don’t make any sudden movements. (We’ll let you find out about this one on your own. You have been warned!!!)
5. Always let Carl do the talkin’.
6. Be prepared to lie to Carl’s on-again-off-again-but-mostly-off-again fiance (Turlana Quackenbush) about Carl’s whereabouts.
7. A pair of these dope pink with blue lenses Carl is My Co-pilot Mach Gs. (And a pair for Carl, duh.)
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