Captain Blunt's Red-Eye Origin Story

TEENAGERS FURIOUS NO MARIJUANA ON CAPTAIN BLUNT’S RED-EYE

After graduating from Rancho Cucamonga High School on June 12, 2015, best friends Jacob Vandestreek and Austin LaRocco planned a crazy adventure: Take “Captain Blunt’s Red-Eye” from San Francisco, CA, to Sydney, Australia. However, the 18-year-olds were astonished to discover the plane flight had nothing whatsoever to do with marijuana.

“We thought it would be like that movie Soul Plane with Snoop Dogg and Method Man,” says Vandestreek. “Flight attendants bringing fatass blunts and mad sticky icky. Hotboxin’ in the cabin. But it turns out ‘Blunt’ is just the pilot’s last name and ‘red-eye’ means overnight flight. This is so off fleek. Weed should be legal. It’s 2015! Thanks Obama.”

Reportedly the teens prepared for the “trip” by bringing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Sour Patch Kids, Cheez Whiz, and cookie dough ice cream. They also brought flash drives loaded with Blue Planet, Adventure Time, Left Shark memes and Kanye West albums. “Kanye’s been on fire from 2000 to 2015!” says Vandestreek. “I can’t wait to see what he does next.”

However, when the buds asked the flight attendants for bud, the answer was no. “They were, like, so mean,” says LaRocco. “They didn’t have cannabis, edibles, dabs, bongs, vapes, suppositories - nothing! And we’re too young to buy alcohol. So we just had a boring flight. I was so mad I wished the U.S. would get struck by a global pandemic.”

When asked for comment, commercial airline pilot and Navy captain Captain Paul ‘Fritz’ Blunt said, “We landed safely in Sydney and I hope Jacob and Austin had fun! You know, I have a daughter myself, Keri. She’s in LA right now trying to start a sunglasses company called ‘gooder’ with two high school friends. Ha ha ha! Like that’ll ever work out!”

Upon landing, Jacob and Austin checked into Stanky’s Budget Hostel and got some sleep. Over the weekend, they toured the Opera House, went to a Roosters match and caught a screening of the hottest film of 2015: Entourage: The Movie. “Entourage is never going to get old,” says LaRocco. “Hug it out, bitch! Abusive Hollywood bosses are so funny.”

Despite the abject lack of reefer, both teens had a “lit” time. “I’m glad we took Captain Blunt’s Red-Eye,” says Vandestreek. “On the way back, I wished for his daughter’s weird sunglasses company to succeed and for them to name a pair of orange aviators after him. I was going to wish for Hillary Clinton to win the presidential election, but nah. She’s got it in the bag.”