Shopping Bag
After winter storms canceled dozens of Southwaste Airlines flights, goodr CEO Carl the Flamingo rescued 69 lucky passengers with his private plane at LAX. But it wasn’t a typical flight. The sunglasses mogul pulled up in a pink and teal plane, with stylized flames on the wings, tinted windows, LED strobe lights, hydraulic suspension, spoilers, the “Godkiller'' subwoofer, and reupholstered seats made from the fur of baby chinchillas.
“Call me Tarmac Daddy,” Carl greeted the shocked passengers as the “Pimp Plane” pulled up blasting G-Funk, a sub-genre of gangsta rap that emerged from the West Coast in the late 80s. “I only have one rule,” the bird continued. “Be cool.” Then he put on black aviator sunglasses with amber lenses and took a long slurp of a tropical cocktail in a coconut.
“Yes, I got on,” said Bessie Effervester, a 39-year-old ornithologist at the Natural Avian Museum who co-produced the comedy rap video “Stay Fly, Ornithologists.” “I wanted to return to D.C. for Xmas, and learn more about this talking anthropomorphic flamingo. But I got distracted. The plane had a cabin, a dance floor, Jacuzzis, a casino, a Tilt-A-Whirl, a full open bar, and a Pleasure Room!!!” When asked what happened in the ‘Pleasure Room,’ Bessie coyly said, “Nothing” and gazed off into the distance with a mischievous grin.
“Oh brah, it was just like, so fun, brah,” said Fleabag Jenkins, a Tampa, Florida-based surf bro who once appeared on the local news for witnessing a massive flamingo fight over buffet food. “On Carl the Flamingo’s Pimp Plane, you have, like, the most fun ever, dude. You just, like, drop in, and eat all-you-can-eat shrimp, and drink all-you-can-drink cocktails, and ride all-you-can-ride Tilt-A-While. Check out my IG to see SICK videos!!! I mean, literally videos of me being sick, brah. I puked so much, brah. Do it, brah.”
Luckily, the tipsy flamingo – aka “Tarmac Daddy” – did not fly the plane. That job went to commercial airline pilot and Navy captain Captain Paul ‘Fritz’ Blunt, the father of goodr co-founder Keri Blunt. “These days, I only come out of retirement to fly Carl the Flamingo’s Pimp Plane,” said Captain Blunt. “Yes, he only hired me because he thinks my last name is funny. And yes, we only took 69 passengers because he thinks that number is funny.”
The Pimp Plane took the 69 passengers on a nearly two-month “tropical island tour” before dropping them home. As souvenirs, they got Call Me Tarmac Daddy sunnies.
THE SUNNIES THAT STARTED IT ALL
THE STORY BEHIND THE SHADES
