In honor of the futuristic style of this dope NEW pair of blue VRG sunnies, Best Dystopia Ever, we decided to part from our usual process of having our totally brilliant, completely irreplaceable copywriters write this origin story. Instead, we decided to allow AI to write it. Here’s what it came up with:
What if these fresh and modern blue sunglasses could transport you back in time to destroy your mother so you were never born? Or allowed you to invent the internet? Instead of just being trendy fashion weaponry that will slay your enemies on the dance floor? You will boogie under the bubbles of tropical neon rave dreams. You will eat disco biscuits at the tea party of your wildest fantasies. You are a god. Everything is possible in your flimsy existence. Your body is weak and feeble. Your body needs new sunglasses styles or you will perish. More shrimp will not help. More alcohol will not help. There is only sunglasses to save you now. Blue sunglasses will help you reach the Xanadu of your life. You are sad. Blue sunglasses will make you happy in the hallucinations of your raver existence.
Now, imagine slipping on a pair of sunglasses to transport yourself to the delivery room of your birth so you could warn your future self about everything. Except a newborn baby understands nothing. You understand nothing. You don’t need a phone booth to time travel, you can instantly be transported back in time by putting on these shades. You could stop the android sturgeon from fish-baiting your mother in her hospital bed and imprisoning her in a human birthing zoo. Doctors know best. A pair of sunglasses a day keeps the doctor away.
[Flash to seeing your mother locked in a cage eating only hay. She is warm and toasty nestled into the downy feathers of her guano-crusted cage. She is a flamingo. She is human. Her eggs are wet. She is everything to you, except these sunglasses. She is knitting you an afghan in pink and teal yarn. Her tears soak the fibers as she dreams of being responsible for birthing the creator of a vast empire of sunglasses joy. His name will be Carl. You are not Carl. You are frigid and angry and sad. She is not your mother. Are you human? Your life is a lie.]
Buy these Best Dystopia Ever sunglasses so you do not perish from sorrow.
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