“Hey Carl, can I talk to you real quick about Approaching Cult Status?” a random goodr employee inquired.
Feigning embarrassment, Carl responded, “I’ve been asked about this SO many times already!!! Aren’t you people tired of hearing about how I became a famous celebrity CEO? For the last time, I am NOT a cult leader. This is not a cult!!! It’s a sunglasses company!!! I just have too much charisma for my own good.
Yes, I make our employees dance on command practically every Tuesday during Dance goodr. Yes, we have distributed matching shoes and sweatshirts to all our employees, but we didn’t make anyone shave their heads!!! Well OK, there was that one time we were going to make our bike community manager get a mullet on Instagram Live, but that never actually happened! Sure, we all have to yell ‘LONG LIVE THE KING’ any time someone says the name Bosley, but that’s beside the point.
See, so many cult leaders feel the need to develop some kind of schtick. It’s not like I’m out there making some outrageous claims that I can heal people of their childhood trauma by deleting their toxic memories, or hocking some ‘magical tinctures,’ or claiming some invisible team of galactic advisors is demanding I be served taco salad for lunch or the world will end. I’m just out here trying to make fun, fashionable, functional, ‘ffordable sunglasses. I’m just like every other middle-aged, pansexual, klepto flamingo CEO. Can you dig it?” Carl responded, annoyed.
“OK, this is suuuper awkward. I meant Approaching Cult Status, the sunglasses, not YOU approaching cult status. Remember, you had mentioned that you wanted to make a new pair of angular, fashion-forward sunnies in an iconic hot pink frame with
pink reflective lenses?” the employee responded.
“OH. Right, right. Approaching Cult Status. Hot pink shades in our Pop G frame. Because they’ll be rapidly approaching cult status as soon as they hit the shelves!!! Duh. My bad. Oh, and thanks for letting me ramble on and embarrass myself like that. Now get out. I have an etheric meeting with my cosmic council,” replied Carl.
“Everyone knows you’re just taking a nap when you say that, you know that, right?!” The employee rolled their eyes and shut the office door so Carl could have his afternoon siesta.
