PICK YOUR FAVORITE SHADE OF BLACK AND WE’LL TELL YOUR FUTURE
BEHOLD... YOUR FUTURE…
1. Charcoal. You’re expecting an important letter, and the delay has you flustered. Do not worry. It will arrive tomorrow, bearing good news: You get a full scholarship to Chucklebutt McTatters Clown College.
2. Ebony. The work you do today will lead to a boost in income, which will elevate your mood, until the diarrhea medication commercial you starred in goes viral, and everyone calls you “Diarrhea D’Arcy” for the rest of your life.
3. Licorice. You will enter a new partnership -- with your love doll, who looks just like you. The divorce will break your wife’s heart, but is ultimately for the best. Love is love.
4. Asphalt. You will attend an exciting event in your community and meet many interesting people. THEY ARE ALL PLOTTING TO DESTROY YOU.
5. Outer Space. After finding success with a major project, you lapse into pleasant daydreams about new possibilities. And hopefully one of those new possibilities is escaping your car after you accidentally drive off the Howard Franklin Bridge into Old Tampa Bay.
6. Onyx. It’s better if you don’t know.
7. Void. You will purchase black VRG goodr sunglasses, and love them so much you get a “goodr” tattoo, which the tattoo artist misspells “gooder,” so you ask him to cover it up with a black rose, and tattoo “goodr” again, so he covers it up with a black rose and tattoos “goodr again,” so you ask him to cover THAT up with a black rose, and, to make a long story short, your right arm and leg are all one giant black rose.
8. Jet. You will feel a profound sense of intuition, sensing what everyone desires -- and mostly, it’s your ass.
9. Black bean. You will write a satirical horoscope article for a sunglasses company’s website, and be visited by the ghost of your great-great-great-great-grandfather, who is outraged that THIS is your job, while he toiled away as a leech collector, collecting leeches by trudging into dirty cold bacteria-filled lakes, naked, as human bait, then peeling the slimy blood-suckers off with excruciating pain and storing them in a box to be sold to doctors to treat illnesses, only to find out, years later, the leeches did not help treat any illnesses, in fact, the leeches made several patients’ illnesses worse, and in some cases, killed them, and one of those people was former President George Washington. “I KILLED GEORGE WASHINGTON!!!!” your great-great-great-great grandfather will cry, with ghost-tears streaming down his face. “I KILLED GEORGE WASHINGTON!!!!” Giving him a dollar will not cheer him up.