Do you struggle to wear basic black?

We’ve been there.

Feeling awkward in your neon speedo at Muscle Beach because you didn't have the cajones to go with understated black?

We get it, black is minimizing.

Still squinting from the glare of the sun beating down on all that glistening tanning oil?!

Feeling hopeless because your magnificent head is just too big for those impossible to use gas station sunnies?!?!

There IS a solution: Hooked on Onyx.

You will be amazed by Hooked on Onyx. Our unique, patented squint-reducing technology* combines both a right and left polarized lens in a classic black sunglasses frame perfectly suited to melon-sized heads. With Hooked on Onyx you’ll feel confident wearing basic black sunglasses everywhere you go!!!

Hooked on Onyx worked for us. Hooked on Onyx WILL work for you!!!

How much do YOU think basic black sunglasses like this should cost? Similar products sell for thousands of dollars!** With our special introductory pricing, you can get Hooked on Onyx for the low, low price of just $35!***

Don’t you deserve the tools to be better? Give yourself the gift of sunnies you need to succeed! Don’t hesitate, order NOW!!! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.****

But wait, there's more!!!*****

*No, really. You’ll be amazed. These sunnies are seriously flocking LEGIT.

**Who pays thousands of dollars for basic black sunglasses? No, really. Who? We have some magic beans we’re trying to offload. Please give them our number.

***Pretty much guaranteed to always be $35.

****Seriously. We have like, a SUPER reasonable return policy.

*****OK, not really. There was a sale on asterisks last week and we’re trying to use them up before they expire.