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goodrTIMES

3 BATSH*T CRAZY EMAILS ABOUT FADE-ER-ADE SHADES


Dear goodr,

HOW DARE YOU?! I purchased your “Fade-er-ade'' energy drink, only to find out it wasn’t an energy drink at all. It was an energy BAR, in the shape of sunglasses! Talk about false advertising. But hey, I’m open-minded, so I took a bite. Ouchie-wouchie! That sunglass-shaped energy bar was rock hard! It took hours to chew it into pieces!!!!! Cut up my mouth real bad. Lost four teeth. I DEMAND you mail me four replacement teeth.

Sincerely,
Mavis


Dear Mavis,

Thanks for reaching out! We shipped you four replacement teeth. They’re from a dog -- Bosley, our beloved Basset Hound that left the world too soon, long live the King -- but they should work out fine. Teeth are teeth.

Thank you,
goodr


Dear goodr,

Your Fade-er-ade Shades don’t work. I put them on, and I didn’t fade. I was still visible. I wanted to be INVISIBLE!!!! Here I was in the bathroom at work, thinking I’d turn myself invisible and play some hilarious office pranks. So I put on the Fade-er-ade sunnies, and took off all my clothes, because I didn’t want people to see a walking pair of clothes, and stepped out of the bathroom, but everyone totally saw me, and yelled at me for being naked, and now I don’t have a job! Which brings me to my question. Are you hiring?

Best,
Uriah

 

Dear Uriah,

Go to Work goodr to see if we’re hiring. Note: We require employees to be in the office two days a week, and they must wear clothes. When working from home, you may be naked. But if you are in a video call, you must wear clothes over the parts of your body that are visible on camera. So you could, like, just wear a shirt. Hope that helps.

Thank you,
goodr

Dear goodr,

YOU’RE IN TROUBLE NOW, MORONS!!! “Fade-er-ade” is clearly ripping off another company: Ned’s Neuter & Spayed-er-ade, in Waterloo, Ohio. Everybody knows their catchy jingle: “If you don’t want babies made-er-ade // When your pet gets laid-er-ade // Ned’s Neuter & Spayed-er-ade // Make sure we get paid-er-ade!” Will you be giving all of your profits from this sunglass to Ned’s Neuter & Spayed-er-ade????

Yours,
Ned


Dear Ned,

No. But damn. That’s a good jingle. Just reading it, it slaps. Please quit your job neutering and spaying animals and follow your true calling as a pop sensation.

Thank you,
goodr

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