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goodrTIMES

CELESTE MOONBEAM PRESENTS “COSMIC CRYSTALS”: SUNGLASSES THAT HEAL YOUR SOUL

Grand rising! It is I, Celeste Moonbeam, spiritual healer and world-famous clairvoyant. (I could win the lottery. I just choose not to.) I’m manifesting on the goodrTIMES to tell you I manifested 12 new pairs of crystal-bathed, chakra-cleansing shades into reality. Boy, do I love to manifest things. Sunglasses, dreams, impossible bacon club chalupas--everything.

As all scientists agree, crystal healing is totally legit. Our good health depends on balanced energy in our thoughts, emotions and bodies. Just like my bank account’s good health depends on contributions from Patreon, Cameo and OnlyFans. When those energy patterns are disrupted, we suffer ailments, like headaches, anxiety and physical diseases. (So you didn’t get cold sores from me, Alan! You got them from your own bad energy!!!!!)

You know what else has energy? Energy. I mean, crystals. Grown deep in Mother Earth’s cavity over millions of years, crystals formed from the cooling of magma. Due to environmental conditions, they come in all types of shapes, colors and sizes -- just like my lovers. They’re alive, my sweet star-babies, just like you and me, vibrating with energy, and when you place them on your bodies your souls shall be renewed, and if not buy more!!!!!

 

My cosmic soul-children, ensconce your chakras in these shades: Tiger’s Eye Gazing; Citrine Mimosa Dream; Flamingo-ite Aura Right; Zebra Jasper’s Life Coach; Rose Quartz Bypass; Apatite for Detoxification; Moonstone Moonshine Cleanse; Kunzite Compels You; Jaded Little Pill; Lapis Lazuli Lodestar; Granite, I Didn’t Ground Today; and Bornite Birthday Suit. Both the moon-infused shades and the sun-infused shades bring powerful healing.

Now, I must depart this astral plane, but hold my astral spot, ‘cause I might come back.

Namaste,
Celeste Moonbeam

Align your chakras

NOT SURE WHAT CRYSTAL WILL ALIGN YOUR CHAKRAS? TAKE THE QUIZ!

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