Skip to content
  • SHOP rightChevronIcon
    • leftChevronIcon SHOP
    • COLLECTIONS
      • Shop All
      • Best Sellers
      • All Black Everything
      • Running Sunglasses
      • Last Chance Sunnies
    • NEW
      • Black Panther
      • Collegiate Collection
      • Limited Editions
    • APPAREL & GEAR
      • Shirts
      • Gift Cards
      • Gear
  • STYLES rightChevronIcon
    • leftChevronIcon STYLES
    • TRADITIONAL
      • OG
      • BFG
      • LFG
    • AVIATOR
      • MACH G
    • CIRCLE
      • CIRCLE G
      • PHG
    • CATEYE
      • RUNWAY
    • SINGLE LENS
      • SNOW G
      • VRG
      • WRAP G
  • COMMUNITIES rightChevronIcon
    • leftChevronIcon COMMUNITIES
    • RUN
    • BIKE
    • GOLF
    • BEAST
    • COMMUNITY SHOPS
      • Running Sunglasses
      • Golf Sunglasses
      • Cycling Sunglasses
      • Beast Sunglasses
  • Why We Exist
  • About
  • STORE LOCATOR
  • LOGIN
Cart

Add $50 for Free Shipping CONGRATULATIONS! You got free shipping!

Shipping, taxes, & discounts calculated at checkout

FREE STANDARD SHIPPING ON ORDERS OF $50+

|

FREE SHIPPING ON ALL SNOW G

goodr sunglasses
0
0
  • SHOP
    • COLLECTIONS
      • Shop All
      • Best Sellers
      • All Black Everything
      • Running Sunglasses
      • Last Chance Sunnies
    • NEW
      • Black Panther
      • Collegiate Collection
      • Limited Editions
    • APPAREL & GEAR
      • Shirts
      • Gift Cards
    CARL'S THORNY & READY TO FORNI
    Georgia Aquarium
    Collegiate Collection
  • STYLES
    • TRADITIONAL
      • OG
      • BFG
      • LFG
    • SINGLE LENS
      • SNOW G
      • VRG
      • WRAP G
    • CIRCLE
      • CIRCLE G
      • PHG
    • AVIATOR
      • MACH G
    • CAT-EYE
      • RUNWAY
    SNOW G
    OG's
    WRAP Gs
  • COMMUNITIES
    COMMUNITY SHOPS
    • Running Sunglasses
    • Golf Sunglasses
    • Cycling Sunglasses
    • Beast Sunglasses
  • Why We Exist
  • About
Access Denied
IMPORTANT! If you’re a store owner, please make sure you have Customer accounts enabled in your Store Admin, as you have customer based locks set up with EasyLockdown app. Enable Customer Accounts

goodrTIMES

  • ORIGIN STORIES
    • VRGs
    • THE FUTURE IS VOID
    • NAEON FLUX CAPACITOR
    • VOIGHT-KAMPFF VISION
    • SEE YOU AT THE PARTY, RICHTER
    • MACH Gs
    • CLUBHOUSE CLOSEOUT
    • TALES FROM THE GREENSKEEPER
    • AMELIA EARHART GHOSTED ME
    • BUZZED ON THE TOWER
    • CAPTAIN BLUNT'S RED-EYE
    • FREQUENT SKYMALL SHOPPERS
    • KITTY HAWKERS' RAY BLOCKERS
    • OPERATION: BLACKOUT
    • OGs
    • A GINGER'S SOUL
    • DON'T FLOCK WITH A FLAMINGO
    • WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA
    • PROFESSIONAL RESPAWNER
    • SIDE SCROLL EYE ROLL
    • MODERN DAY SNAKE OIL
    • BLUE SHADES OF DEATH
    • ELECTRIC DINOTOPIA CARNIVAL
    • SILVERBACK SQUAT MOBILITY
    • THESE SHADES ARE TRASH
    • DON'T TAB SHAME ME
    • LOST IN TRANSITION
    • BFGs
    • HOOKED ON ONYX
    • IT'S NOT JUST A GAME
    • CITRON+ALT+DELETE
    • MINT JULEP ELECTROSHOCKS
    • DO YOU EVEN PISTOL, FLAMINGO?
    • RUNWAYS
    • WORKIN' IT FROM HOME
    • MARY QUEEN OF GOLF
    • RAGE QUIT IT AND HIT IT
    • GINGHAM IS SOOO LAST SEASON
    • HAUTE DAY IN HELL
    • VEGAN FRIENDLY COUTURE
    • FAST AS SHELL
    • CIRCLE Gs
    • FADE-ER-ADE SHADES
    • I'M WEARING BURGUNDY
    • IT'S NOT BLACK, IT'S OBSIDIAN
    • INSERT COIN TO CONTINUE
    • FRESHLY BAKED MAN BUNS
    • INFLUENCERS PAY DOUBLE
    • I PICKLED THESE MYSELF
    • MIDNIGHT RAMBLE AT THE CIRCLE BAR
    • NINE DOLLAR POUR OVER
    • STRANGE THINGS ARE AFOOT AT THE CIRCLE G
    • STOP, DROP AND SCROLL
    • BODHI'S ULTIMATE WAVE
  • SPORTS
    • IN THE WILD
    • RUNNING [WITH A DONKEY] IS FUN?
    • YOUR BEST RUNNING FRIEND
    • THIS IS A GAMER
    • FASTEST KNOWN TIME OR FUNNEST KNOWN TIME
    • LIVING MY BEST LIFE BEING A MOM FIRST
    • WHAT WE TALK ABOUT WHEN NOT TALKING ABOUT RUNNING
    • ANIMAL CROSSING ISLAND
    • WHAT THE HELL IS A BEAST?
    • OFFICIAL SUNGLASSES OF THE OCR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
    • SATURDAY MORNING IN THE GRAND CANYON
    • A BLIND BEAST KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES
    • RUNNING THE BARKLEY IS FUN?
    • BIG CAT BADASS
    • BUT FIRST HAPPINESS
    • LOS PADRES TRAVERSE FKT
    • JAVELINA JUNDRED RACE RECAP
    • OFFICIAL SUNGLASS PARTNER OF USA WEIGHTLIFTING
    • WE'RE AN AVATAR
    • GOODR UP YOUR GAME WITH ANIMAL CROSSING PATTERNS
    • ON THE FENCE ABOUT SPIN CLASS!?
    • PEDICABS IN NYC
    • FLAMBOYANCE
    • GOODR STAFF DEBUNK THE GAMER STIGMA
    • CLG & FRENDZ DEBUNK THE GAMER STIGMA
    • THE FLAMBOYANCE DEBUNKS THE GAMER STIGMA
    • A GOODR WEDDING
    • A CHAT WITH ALEXI PAPPAS
    • RACE RECAPS
    • IT'S OKAY TO HATE VIRTUAL RACES
    • CARL'S TOUR DE FRANCE RECAP 2020
    • SPEED PROJECT 2019
    • TIPS & TRICKS
    • RUNNING WHILE HIGH
    • IT'S NOT A BOGEY, IT'S A FLAMINGO
  • SHENANIGANS
    • IN THE PRESS
    • A TALE OF THE GOODR CABANA
    • GOODR x REEBOK
    • PARTNERING WITH BIGGEST ESPORTS ARENA IN NORTH AMERICA!
    • SEASON 03 OF CULTURE GOODR IS OUT
    • YOU HAD ME AT DUNKIN'
    • THE ROLLING STONES X COSMIC CRYSTALS
    • COSMIC CRYSTALS
    • THE ROLLING STONES ALBUM SERIES
    • THE FUTURE IS VRG
    • ROLLING STONES HOT LIPS
    • GAME GOODR PARTNERS WITH CLG
    • WONDER WOMAN SEQUEL
    • NEW CATEYE SUNGLASSES
    • POW! BAM! BATMAN SUNGLASSES!
    • GOODR PARTNERS WITH PABST BLUE RIBBON
    • WONDER WOMAN 1984 SUNGLASSES
    • GOODR RELEASES AVIATORS
    • RUNNER'S WORLD GEAR OF THE YEAR
    • goodr GIVES BACK
    • GOODR x DENVER ZOO
    • BLACK LIVES MATTER
    • GOODR x 1% FOR THE PLANET RECYCLED SUNGLASSES
    • SOCAL SPECIAL OLYMPICS COLLAB
    • 100% CARBON NEUTRAL
    • FUN
    • GIFT GUIDE
    • BEHIND THE DREAMS: THE CIRCLING
    • DEEP DIVE
    • THE BEST RUNNING SUNGLASSES GUIDE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET
    • COMPANY CULTURE WHILE WORKING REMOTELY
  • CULTURE
    • CULTURE GOODR PODCAST
    • BLACKOUT TUESDAY
    • CREATE MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS
    • GOODR'S ECOSYSTEM
  • ORIGIN STORIES Open subnav
    • VRGs
    • THE FUTURE IS VOID
    • NAEON FLUX CAPACITOR
    • VOIGHT-KAMPFF VISION
    • SEE YOU AT THE PARTY, RICHTER
    • MACH Gs
    • CLUBHOUSE CLOSEOUT
    • TALES FROM THE GREENSKEEPER
    • AMELIA EARHART GHOSTED ME
    • BUZZED ON THE TOWER
    • CAPTAIN BLUNT'S RED-EYE
    • FREQUENT SKYMALL SHOPPERS
    • KITTY HAWKERS' RAY BLOCKERS
    • OPERATION: BLACKOUT
    • OGs
    • A GINGER'S SOUL
    • DON'T FLOCK WITH A FLAMINGO
    • WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA
    • PROFESSIONAL RESPAWNER
    • SIDE SCROLL EYE ROLL
    • MODERN DAY SNAKE OIL
    • BLUE SHADES OF DEATH
    • ELECTRIC DINOTOPIA CARNIVAL
    • SILVERBACK SQUAT MOBILITY
    • THESE SHADES ARE TRASH
    • DON'T TAB SHAME ME
    • LOST IN TRANSITION
    • BFGs
    • HOOKED ON ONYX
    • IT'S NOT JUST A GAME
    • CITRON+ALT+DELETE
    • MINT JULEP ELECTROSHOCKS
    • DO YOU EVEN PISTOL, FLAMINGO?
    • RUNWAYS
    • WORKIN' IT FROM HOME
    • MARY QUEEN OF GOLF
    • RAGE QUIT IT AND HIT IT
    • GINGHAM IS SOOO LAST SEASON
    • HAUTE DAY IN HELL
    • VEGAN FRIENDLY COUTURE
    • FAST AS SHELL
    • CIRCLE Gs
    • FADE-ER-ADE SHADES
    • I'M WEARING BURGUNDY
    • IT'S NOT BLACK, IT'S OBSIDIAN
    • INSERT COIN TO CONTINUE
    • FRESHLY BAKED MAN BUNS
    • INFLUENCERS PAY DOUBLE
    • I PICKLED THESE MYSELF
    • MIDNIGHT RAMBLE AT THE CIRCLE BAR
    • NINE DOLLAR POUR OVER
    • STRANGE THINGS ARE AFOOT AT THE CIRCLE G
    • STOP, DROP AND SCROLL
    • BODHI'S ULTIMATE WAVE
  • SPORTS Open subnav
    • IN THE WILD
    • RUNNING [WITH A DONKEY] IS FUN?
    • YOUR BEST RUNNING FRIEND
    • THIS IS A GAMER
    • FASTEST KNOWN TIME OR FUNNEST KNOWN TIME
    • LIVING MY BEST LIFE BEING A MOM FIRST
    • WHAT WE TALK ABOUT WHEN NOT TALKING ABOUT RUNNING
    • ANIMAL CROSSING ISLAND
    • WHAT THE HELL IS A BEAST?
    • OFFICIAL SUNGLASSES OF THE OCR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
    • SATURDAY MORNING IN THE GRAND CANYON
    • A BLIND BEAST KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES
    • RUNNING THE BARKLEY IS FUN?
    • BIG CAT BADASS
    • BUT FIRST HAPPINESS
    • LOS PADRES TRAVERSE FKT
    • JAVELINA JUNDRED RACE RECAP
    • OFFICIAL SUNGLASS PARTNER OF USA WEIGHTLIFTING
    • WE'RE AN AVATAR
    • GOODR UP YOUR GAME WITH ANIMAL CROSSING PATTERNS
    • ON THE FENCE ABOUT SPIN CLASS!?
    • PEDICABS IN NYC
    • FLAMBOYANCE
    • GOODR STAFF DEBUNK THE GAMER STIGMA
    • CLG & FRENDZ DEBUNK THE GAMER STIGMA
    • THE FLAMBOYANCE DEBUNKS THE GAMER STIGMA
    • A GOODR WEDDING
    • A CHAT WITH ALEXI PAPPAS
    • RACE RECAPS
    • IT'S OKAY TO HATE VIRTUAL RACES
    • CARL'S TOUR DE FRANCE RECAP 2020
    • SPEED PROJECT 2019
    • TIPS & TRICKS
    • RUNNING WHILE HIGH
    • IT'S NOT A BOGEY, IT'S A FLAMINGO
  • SHENANIGANS Open subnav
    • IN THE PRESS
    • A TALE OF THE GOODR CABANA
    • GOODR x REEBOK
    • PARTNERING WITH BIGGEST ESPORTS ARENA IN NORTH AMERICA!
    • SEASON 03 OF CULTURE GOODR IS OUT
    • YOU HAD ME AT DUNKIN'
    • THE ROLLING STONES X COSMIC CRYSTALS
    • COSMIC CRYSTALS
    • THE ROLLING STONES ALBUM SERIES
    • THE FUTURE IS VRG
    • ROLLING STONES HOT LIPS
    • GAME GOODR PARTNERS WITH CLG
    • WONDER WOMAN SEQUEL
    • NEW CATEYE SUNGLASSES
    • POW! BAM! BATMAN SUNGLASSES!
    • GOODR PARTNERS WITH PABST BLUE RIBBON
    • WONDER WOMAN 1984 SUNGLASSES
    • GOODR RELEASES AVIATORS
    • RUNNER'S WORLD GEAR OF THE YEAR
    • goodr GIVES BACK
    • GOODR x DENVER ZOO
    • BLACK LIVES MATTER
    • GOODR x 1% FOR THE PLANET RECYCLED SUNGLASSES
    • SOCAL SPECIAL OLYMPICS COLLAB
    • 100% CARBON NEUTRAL
    • FUN
    • GIFT GUIDE
    • BEHIND THE DREAMS: THE CIRCLING
    • DEEP DIVE
    • THE BEST RUNNING SUNGLASSES GUIDE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET
    • COMPANY CULTURE WHILE WORKING REMOTELY
  • CULTURE Open subnav
    • CULTURE GOODR PODCAST
    • BLACKOUT TUESDAY
    • CREATE MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS
    • GOODR'S ECOSYSTEM

ARTIFACTS, NOT ARTIFEELINGS ORIGIN STORY

On Monday, adorable 8-year-old Mallory Patchteller brought homemade “dinosaur bones'' to Fogellson Elementary School for Show & Tell. The precocious boy gathered tree branches, painted them white, and claimed he found them in his backyard. However, third-grade teacher Mr. McManus was not impressed.

“Those aren’t real fossils, moron,” said Mr. McManus. “Artifacts, NOT artifeelings!” The class erupted into a chant of “Liar, liar, pants on fire” while tears rolled down Mallory’s face and he peed his cargo shorts. “Yes, liar, liar, pants on fire!” roared Mr. McManus. “Good, children, good! Shame him! SHAME HIM!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!”

“I mean, seriously, what the f*** do you think you’re doing?” continued Mr. McManus, after the chant died down. “Do you think I’m so stupid I’d fall for this pathetic ruse? Like I can’t tell a dinosaur bone from tree branches painted white? That’s a big-ass insult to my intelligence. Just because you’re dumb as a box of butts, MALLORY, doesn’t mean everyone else is. Your name’s stupid, too. Everyone hates it.”

“That’s right!” piped third-grader Evelyn Davenport. Then she shot a spitball. The oblong gooey wad of chewed-up notebook paper and saliva struck Mallory in the middle of the forehead, and stuck there, prompting cheers and applause from the rest of the class.

“That’s a shoddy paint job at best,” sneered Mr. McManus, as he snapped the branches in half over his knee. “Never stop at one coat, dipsh*t. DO!!! MULTIPLE!!! COATS!!! And at least come up with a good story to sell the lie. I mean, come on. ‘Dinosaur bones’? What KIND of dinosaur bones? SPE-CI-FY, DUMMY! Tyrannosaurus Rex, Brontosaurus, Triceratops, Stegosaurus, Plesiosaurus, Velociraptor – speak up, man!”

“C–c–c–comp–comp,” stammered Mallory. “Comp—comp–compsog–comp—c—c—”

“Compsognathus, you ignoramus!” yelled Mr. McManus. “Compsognathus! E-NUN-CI-ATE! Man, you suck. I hate you, and your dad is a whore. That’s right, DAD. I’m woke. It’s 2021. Dads can be whores. And they are. Oh, hey! You kids mind if I blaze a cancerstick?”

“Noooooo!” the class replied.

“Sweeeeet,” said Mr. McManus as he lit a cigarette. “Sweet sweet sweet. Now don’t tell your parents about this, dummies. Or I’ll kill you! Just kidding. Or maybe not. Who cares? I have nothing to live for. Pay attention, kids! When you hit 40, the good times are over. Write that down! Your soul dies between age 35 and age 40. Real talk. No crap.”

“C-c-c-can I sit down now, Mr McManus?” asked Mallory meekly, as he tried in vain to hide the pee-stain island on his jean shorts.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” said Mr. McManus. “I’m not your god. Who’s next? Alicia? Oh God, this better not be your grandma’s hemorrhoid cream again.”

“It’s not!” chirped Alicia Williams. “It’s tortoise-shell PHG goodr sunglasses called Artifacts, Not Artifeelings! My stepfather’s mistress got them at The goodr Cabana in Abbot Kinney near Venice Beach in Los Angeles!” The class ooohed and ahhhed.

“Now THAT’S what the f*** I’m talking about!” cried Mr. McManus. “GREAT job, Alicia. HIGH FIVE!!! You get an A. Mallory, you get an F. Re-examine your life. And stop playing with your wood. HA HA HA HA HA! Get it, kids? We have fun here, don’t we? Now WHO! WANTS! A! CIGARETTE?!?!?”

The goodrTIMES will keep you updated on this story as new information becomes available.

READ MORE TO GET YOUR PHG

YOU LOOK SCHOLARLY ALREADY!!!

Invalid password
Enter

1-Year
Warranty

30-Day Free
Returns

100% Carbon
Neutral

goodr sunglasses

We are recklessly committed to fun... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, sunglasses.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

Get in Touch

  • Log In
  • Help
  • Contact Us
  • Become a Retailer

Come say hey

  • Store Locator
  • Flamboyance
  • About Us
  • Work @ goodr

THE ESSENTIALS

  • Return Policy
  • 1-Year Warranty
  • Terms and Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • Sitemap
  • Accessibility
  • CCPA Information for California Consumers

Copyright © 2023, goodr sunglasses.
Sms Popup Desktop Img Sms Popup Mobile Img