Cosmic Crystals: The Moon Origin Story

PICK YOUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY: THE FULL FLAMINGO MOON
You wake up and rejoice that your annoying New Age roommate, Mindfulljess, left for Burning Man. Two weeks of freedom! No more drumming, no more crystals, and no more nasty stank. (Essential oils are NOT deodorant, girl.) But that’s not enough. You want to do something to REALLY stick it to Mindfulljess. What do you do?

A) Drink her weird “Flamingo Moon Tea” in the fridge
B) Break a pair of her “cosmic crystal-infused” sunglasses
C) Record a diss track
(You picked A -- we know because we’re clairvoyant.)

You drink her weird Flamingo Moon Tea in the fridge, because it’s your apartment now, not hers! With a cocky chug, you toss it back, and cringe: What the hell kind of tea was that?! Too bitter, too acrid, too shrimpy. Bleh. That dirty hippie! You go sit on the porch to watch the sunset/surf IG. 30 minutes later, you start hallucinating. What do you do?

A) Go on a five hour spiritual journey
B) Yell for help
C) Keep scrolling IG, you’re addicted, it’s sad
(You picked A -- we know because we’re clairvoyant.)

You go on a five hour spiritual journey. An ethereal flamingo named “Mother Carla” (sipping an ethereal piña colada) flies down from the moon, and invites you to ride on her back. As you veer through time, space and sanity, the truth of the universe is revealed: All that “dumb New Age stuff” is 100% real. And YOU are the annoying roommate, not Mindfulljess. Plot twist! BAM! You return to reality, on your porch. What do you do?

A) Go inside to get a glass of water
B) Write Mindfulljess a letter of apology
C) Give Mother Carla a bad Cosmic Yelp review for not sharing piña coladas
(You picked A -- we know because we’re clairvoyant.)

You go inside to get a glass of water, glance out the window and do a spit-take: There’s a flamingo silhouette on the full moon. “IT’S ALL REAL!” you scream, knocking the glass to the floor with a crash. “MOTHER CARLA! CHAKRAS! CRYSTALS! WHICH HEALING STONES SHOULD I USE DURING EACH MOON CYCLE?! HOW DO I SET MY INTENTION?! HOW DOES--” You stop; Mindfulljess is standing in the doorway. What do you do?

A) Namaste panicking
B) Jump out the window
C) Say “How you doin?” like Joey
(You picked A -- we know because we’re clairvoyant.)

You namaste panicking -- until Mindfulljess gives you a hug. She says she didn’t leave for Burning Man yet because she foresaw this happening. She forgives you for everything and gives six cosmic crystal sunglasses to protect you during every moon cycle: Zebra Jasper’s Life coach; Apatite for Detoxification; Moonstone Moonshine Cleanse; Jaded Little Pill; and Lapis Lazuli Lodestar. What do you say?

A) “Thanks, bae. Let’s go to Burning Man together.”
B) “Hey...I just put the glasses on...and Mother Carla’s telling me to do things..terrible...things.”
C) “Wow, these sunglasses are fashionable, functional, fun and ‘ffordable!”
(Your choice is...you never had a choice. Mother Carla controls all fates. She wrote the script for eternity, and we are all but actors. Just let go. Surrender.)