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goodrTIMES

3 PITCHES FOR A CITRON+ALT+DELETE ORIGIN STORY


LILY’S PITCH

“I’ve got an idea for an origin story where a gal buys a computer, and the keyboard has a ‘citron’ key instead of a ‘control’ key. She figures it’s a typo, but decides to test it, so she hits Citron+Alt+Delete. A window pops up, but instead of listing the applications running on her computer, it lists the names of the people at the coffee shop with her. She looks around the cafe, then, just to see what happens, selects ‘Brandon,’ and clicks ‘End Task.’ A man in the coffee shop collapses, falling to the floor, dead. Then there’s like a ‘pop’ sound and a citron appears out of nowhere on the gal’s desk. So it’s like that old Twilight Zone story, ‘The Box,’ where you press a button on a box and get money but every time you do it, you take a person’s life. Except in this case, you take a person’s life to get a delicious citron.” -- Lily

TOFUTTI’S PITCH

“I’ve got an idea for an origin story about a Duran Duran tribute band called Duran Duran Duran. Duran Duran Duran gets sued by Duran Duran because they’re booking more concerts than Duran Duran. So, Duran Duran Duran changes their name to Citron+Alt+Delete. No one has that name, right? Wrong. That’s the same name as a citrus smuggling syndicate. And their smoothies aren’t made of citron. Their smoothies are made with the blood of their enemies. The syndicate Citron+Alt+Delete tries to “end task” the band Citron+Alt+Delete, but instead, they kill the real band Duran Duran. But this ends up solving their problem, as the band Citron+Alt+Delete changes their name back to Duran Duran Duran, and they tour in tribute to Duran Duran, without any legal kerfuffles.”

KERI’S PITCH

“I’ve got an idea for an origin story where I write a battle rap betweens lemons and citrons. For example, the lemon could rap, ‘Bitch, I’m a lemon, I’m a household name / Nobody knows you, you don’t have any fame / I’m juicy inside, just like WAP / But you? You are dry, just like a sand trap.’ Then, in response, the citron could rap: ‘They use you to cook, and I see the significance / But they use me in medicine to heal f***ing sicknesses / I’m more important, plus I’m literally bigger / I can form many shapes, like a ginger and a finger!’ Then, in the blog, we can embed YouTube videos of me rapping each verse in costume, as a lemon, and as a citron, wearing Citron+Alt+Delete sunnies. I just happen to have a lemon costume and a citron costume in my costume storage unit. A costume storage unit is a totally normal thing.”

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