And welcome to Carl's Anti-Resolutions, a 6-phase plan to do the opposite of improve in the New Year!
Over the next few pages, we will cover both body and mind workouts that will help you kick off this new year exactly how you didn't want to.
Now it's time to get hyped, click on the play button below to get some words of encouragement from the creator of this revolutionary plan, Carl the Flamingo!
I HOPE THEY SERVE TACOS IN HELL
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
You
2-12 close friends
A representation of the object of desire (i.e. tacos)
A questionable conscience
THE STEPS:
1: Position in a circle holding hands or holding a representation of the object of desire.
2: Utilize the power of the group mind to visualize the manifestation of the object of desire.
3: Chant aloud your affirmation (what it is that you want) and practice the art of actualization.
4: Enjoy.
REPEAT. You are guaranteed to get it if you just ask the universe nicely.
EYES SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
Ice cream cone
Favorite ice cream, 1 quart minimum
Hot tub (ideally outdoors, ideally ideally on a
beach) Sunset
THE STEPS:
1: Sit in hot tub.
2: Hold ice cream cone in dominant hand
3: Lift cone to mouth and lick. (So help us, if you bite that ice cream with your bare teeth, we will hunt you down).
4: Look at sunset.
5: Reflect on all of the New Year’s Resolutions your sucker friends are doing.
6: Enjoy.
GLAZED AND CONFUSED
Yoga mat
Standard Blindfold or Scumbag Scarf (shameless plug, available on goodr.com)
1 dozen donuts in a box
THE STEPS:
1: Place blindfold over eyes.
2: Sit in half-lotus position with the dozen donuts on lap.
3: Use sense of smell to hunt your next doughy nut.
4: Lift donut to mouth and bite.
5: Enjoy.
REPEAT until box is finished.
SUNS OUT BUNS OUT
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
Yoga mat
Cheeseburger, ¼ lb. minimum*
THE STEPS:
1: Lay belly down on yoga mat with cheeseburger
parallel to face, aligned with mouth.
2: Take the largest bite possible.
3: Enjoy.
REPEAT.
*If you insist on it being a vegan variety, that seems a little too healthy, but we’re not gonna tell you how to live your life.
RIP AUGUSTS GLOOP
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
Yoga mat
Straw, 15 in. minimum (preferably reusable)
Large bowl filled to the brim with chocolate syrup
THE STEPS:
1: Lay flat on back on yoga mat.
2: Place straw between lips. Purse lips and suck the air out of the straw, decreasing the pressure inside the straw, allowing the higher pressure...do we really need to explain how a straw works?
3: Lay, as still as possible, in savasana (dead body pose).
4: Workout is complete at pass out or death.*
5: Enjoy.
*WARNING: Dying is not recommended, but it really isn’t our fault if your chocolate tolerance isn’t as high as Carl’s. Be smart. Know your limits.
TAKE A PITCHER IT'LL LAST LONGER
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
Yoga mat
Personal boundaries
A massive pitcher of beer
THE STEPS:
1: Position body on yoga mat in any position.
2: Slowly lift pitcher to mouth and sip. Be careful not to activate core muscles as this would counteract the benefits of this exercise.
3: While sipping, practice boundary setting by refusing to share with others around you.
4: Enjoy.