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After looking up to drink delicious rainwater and forgetting to look down, occasional goodr sunglasses model Teddy the Turkey accidentally drowned. To make the situation even more tragic, he had just gotten a presidential pardon. Teddy’s funeral was held in The Lagoon’s break room and attended by a packed audience of nearly 10 people.

“It wasn’t a real presidential pardon,” said goodr CEO Carl the Flamingo, in a slurred voice. “It was a prank! Teddy wasn’t really about to be executed and eaten, either. It was a joke! We have fun here. At least, I do. Remember, Teddy was my Idiot Cousin. We go all the way back to 2017, when I met him on an international pop star’s super yacht and he taught me ‘the way of the wattle.’ Can’t remember the details, but it was life-changing.”

“SILENCE, PEASANTS!!!” said goodr golf consultant Mary, Queen of Golf, in a slurred voice. “I met Teddy during a gathering for Tabaholics Anonymous. Mr. Turkey bravely admitted to opening 28 tabs on his browser!!! Incredible. Of course, I was in the wrong place. I was addicted to opening tabs in bars and never closing them. Then I realized I wasn’t in the wrong. The Queen deserves free drinks!!! They’ve paid for the Beer Tax, one of many totally fair taxes on commoners. By the way, I WILL be collecting a Funeral Tax on the way out. Disobey and rot in the dungeons beneath Tijeras Creek Golf Club.”

“I remember the video music shoot for ‘Gingham Style’!” said goodr run consultant Kathrine the Donkey, in a slurred voice. “It was a parody of that old song ‘Gangnam Style.’ Carl thought it would go viral and get a lot of views so goodr’s YouTube channel could PR! WOOO! Numbers!!! But the video tanked. I was SO bummed, almost crying, hitting ‘refresh’ on it over and over again. Then Teddy came over, gave me a hug and said that I don’t need this achievement to feel valuable. It was total BS. Without achievements, you are nothing. But I saw his point. I don’t need THIS achievement. So I moved on to my next achievement, the Dirty Donkey Mud Run, a 100-mile ultramarathon through the swamps of Louisiana. AND. TOTALLY. CRUSHED. IT. WOOOO!!! DO YOU ADMIRE ME YET?!?!”

In tribute to Teddy, goodr released From Zero To Blitzed VRG sunglasses with black frames and amber lenses. “Because everyone used his funeral as an excuse to go from zero to blitzed,” explained Carl. “We were going to include an inscription but we forgot. Hey! Who lives the closest nearby and has an oven? I have an idea…”