From a “Gwyneth Carltrow’s Glop” magazine in the trashcan in your apartment building vestibule
Greetings! This is Gwyneth Carltrow. Since you rented Ironman 3 last Saturday at 9:33pm, we assume you’re interested in my lifestyle and wellness brand, Glop. At Glop.oof, you can buy all the basic necessities, like vagina-scented candles, vampire repellent, coffee enemas, toothpaste squeezers, camel milk, yoni eggs, 18K gold dumbbells, AND Louboutin Shoes For Kids. (It’s never too early to teach your kid how to be an asshole!)
During a recent psychic healing, the ghost of 15th century German craftsman Johannes Gutenberg visited me. Of course, I speak fluent German, having dubbed the German version of the 2001 comedy Shallow Hal. (Or as they call it in Germany, “Schrecklicher Müll,” which means “horrible trash.”) Mr. Gutenberg assured me that the printed word is the future, so we are turning the Glop website into a magazine! WOO! And this is it!!!!!
Let’s get this garden par-tay started with…
6 TROPICAL PATTERNS THAT ARE POSITIVELY POPPIN!!! PEW, PEW, PEW!!
1. Yellow Hibiscus (as seen on Bad and Bamboozy)
The yellow hibiscus is the state flower of Hawaii, and reportedly has let all of that fame go to its head. It doesn’t even speak to the other six native Hawaiian hibiscus flowers anymore. But you can’t even get mad about it, because the yellow hibiscus is gorgeous af, and it’s endangered. So if you say anything bad about it, you’ll look like a jerk. All you can do is admire this stunning stuck-up beauty, grind your teeth, and pray for its downfall.
2. Outer Pineapple (as seen on Tropical Tummy Tickles)
The pineapple is not one fruit, but multiple fruits (or ‘fruitlets’) growing together as one. The skin, thorns and leaves are not poisonous, but they can have toxic effects, due to the enzyme bromelain. Typically used as a meat tenderizer, bromelain can potentially cause tenderness and swelling of the mouth, in large amounts. I love pineapples because they remind me of my Weekly Hollywood Orgies with ghosts from The Golden Age of Cinema.
3. Orange & Yellow Hibiscus (as seen on Cuckoo for Coconuts)
The orange hibiscus is native to tropical Asia, and is a real sweetheart. Everyone loves working with her. Yes, she’s gorgeous, but she also has a great personality, you know? She’s real down to earth, like Jennifer Lawrence on talk shows. She doesn’t act like she’s better than you, like that goddamn yellow hibiscus. While they refuse to be in the same room together, the yellow and orange hibiscus CAN be photoshopped together. The result is glorious.
4. Jasmine (as seen on [Insert Lei’d Joke])
The jasmine flower is delicate and dainty, with small fragrant flowers that attract bees. I don’t see why THAT’S so impressive. I’ve attracted PLENTY of B’s. Ben Affleck. Brad Falchuk. The ghosts of Brando and Bogart, in my Weekly Hollywood Orgies. But STILL, jasmine blossoms are stunning, with a sweet, scrumptious smell. If you grow them at home, though, remember to prune. It’s like momma always said: “Prune your effen bush.”
5. White Hibiscus (as seen on Tropic Like It’s Hot)
The white hibiscus is beautiful, and hardy. Unlike its tropical cousins, the deciduous white hibiscus thrives in hot summers, early spring, late fall AND in virtually any type of soil. In fact, it almost became the state flower of Hawaii! However, the yellow hibiscus ran a disgusting smear campaign, arguing that the white hibiscus cannot be trusted, because it is deciduous, “always changing.” Sadly, the campaign was effective. But we still love it.
6. Pineapple Inner (as seen on How Do You Like Them Pineapples?)
There’s nothing like the color of ripe pineapple fruit. A glorious yellow -- almost as glorious as my yellow hair! It reminds me of the blazing sun in a clear blue sky, bathing me with rays, as I lie the beach at Lake Como, waiting for George Clooney to call Spectrum and get the Wi-Fi connection back working so we can play Jackbox games with Matt Damon, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Lil’ Wayne, and the ghost of Orson Welles.
That’s it for tropical patterns. Remember: I’m rich and famous, so if you like the same things I like, YOU might get rich and famous!!!! Then you can go on tropical vacations any time you want, and it’s great, just great. My life is so great. I love me. And so should you.
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