THE FUTURE IS NEON ORIGIN STORY
NETFLIX PICKS UP HOME MAKEOVER SERIES “NEONING UP WITH THE CHEETAH”
Streaming juggernaut Netflix continues to bulk up on reality television by ordering the inspirational home makeover series “Neoning Up with The Cheetah.”
The eight-part program follows The Cheetah, an archaeologist transformed into a ravenous beast by the plant god Urzkartaga, as she offers tips on how to keep your home and workspace a gaudy but enthralling electric candy wonderland.
“Pick up every item in your home and ask, ‘does it spark sleaze?’” suggested The Cheetah, who was cursed by the gods to suffer from an unending hunger for human flesh. “If it doesn’t spark sleaze, then throw it away. Keep only those items that speak to your libido and your brain after too many Long Island Iced Teas.”
In the series, The Cheetah, previously known as Dr. Barbara Minerva, visits the pristine homes of Americans and preaches her MinBarba method: Separate all items into two categories, neon and non-neon. Then burn the non-neon items in a bonfire while blasting electronic dance music.
“When we intoxicate our houses, it has an intoxicating effect on our bodies,” said The Cheetah, a diabolical supervillain who famously fought Wonder Woman in 1984. “Reality is a nightmare we must escape. The future isn’t just female. [UNINTELLIGIBLE CHEETAH SOUNDS] The future is neon!”
As if to illustrate her point, the unhinged human-cheetah hybrid ends every episode of her reality show by giving away pairs of The Future Is Neon goodr sunglasses. While The Cheetah’s “glowing rave” makeover tips aren’t for everyone, the polarized shades consistently get glowing rave reviews.
When asked for comment, Amazonian demigoddess and beloved superhero “Wonder Woman” Diana Prince said, “My former friend Barbara is on a toxic path. I cannot condone it. But I LOVE those sunnies! I’ll have to get a pair for Steve [Trevor]. Wait, is Steve alive or dead? I keep forgetting.”