CANADA APOLOGIZES TO AMERICA FOR INSPIRING CANADA-THEMED SUNGLASSES
This is Canadian Prime Minister and hottest-snack-since-poutine Justin Trudeau. Sorry if I misrepresented myself there with “howdy.” I know, I’m such a keener! Guilty! Just wanted to start things oot on the right boot.
Canada’s a gosh-darn great state -- I mean country. We’ve got everything: Beavers, elk, geese (Canada geese, of course), meese, and a population of nearly 400 people. Wow! If you crave 10 million clicks of unlivable arctic wilderness and 4,000 fast food chain restaurants named after hockey players, then we’re pretty much a Yukontopia! (Sorry if that’s presumptuous.)
Yes, we Canucks have a lot of pride, but we don’t expect others to be interested. We’re like the vanilla ice cream of states-countries, and that’s fine by us! Of course, we don’t have ice cream in Canada. Just Taffy On The Snow. That’s where you squirt maple syrup on the snow and swirl a stick in it. Delicious! (Sorry if that offends those in tropical climates.)
Imagine my surprise, then, when I found out goodr -- an American company - created Canada-themed sunglasses! There I was in the kitchen, sucking on a bag of milk like a bonafide hoser, when my wife Sophie broke the news. I haven’t been that shocked since Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation became a multi-platinum rapper! Shout-out to Drake in “The 6ix!” (That means Toronto. No offense to the other two cities in Canada.)
However, on behalf of my state--country, I apologize to the U.S. for inspiring these shades. Don’t get me wrong -- I don’t mean to cause a kerfuffle! It’s flattering to see the red leaf on sunnies. It’s just, when you pick Canada, we’re taking a spot that could go to somebody else. For example, you could create sunglasses inspired by the country of Tuvalu, or the rock band The Offspring, or the TV show Murphy Brown. All options great as Gretsky.
Welp, I guess now it’s too late for goodr to change their plans, since the Canada-themed sunnies are currently on sale, just in time for Canada Day! (Speaking of which, a day seems excessive. Canada Hour is more than enough, don’t you think?) Honest to Horton, I’m not too happy about the shades’ name, though. “Sorry, Not Sorry (But Actually Sorry)”? Come on, goodr creative team. There’s more to Canada than cheap hacky stereotypes.
As we say in Vancity, “Y’all come back now, you hear?” (Just kidding. I’m very sorry.) - JT
DISCLAIMER: Should any Canadians choose to be offended by this letter, please take it up with Daddy Trudeau.