Enough is enough, dammit! Remember when you were young and full of verve and excitement, and couldn’t wait to get out into the real world?! You’d have a great house, a nice car, savings, health insurance, an exciting career?! I hate to tell you this man, but you were brainwashed! Those were just the trappings of capitalism, man! That’s why I want to share my story of how I sold my house, quit my job, bought a van, and discovered how to live my best life!!!
A few years ago I had worked at the same corporation for over a decade. Every morning, I’d show up to work feeling exhausted and unmotivated. A fast food lab chicken sandwich festering in my stomach, practically dead from hotboxing my own farts on the drive to work, praying that my boss wouldn’t ask me for a ride anywhere that day since my car was basically a trash can with its own ecosystem. I dreaded the hour of monotonous droning I’d have to listen to about how to do the tasks that I had literally done 1000X. Tasks which I could literally do with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. I probably could have done them even if I were dead. I had become the robotic corporate husk that I promised my 14 year-old self I’d never be!!!
One day I’m sitting at my desk after lunch, and I hear a weird yelp come from the other room. Two minutes later my office cell phone rings. It’s my boss. My eyes practically rolled all the way back in their sockets and my soul silently groaned in agony.
“Fatima*?!” he sounded panicked, “I need you to come to the front door!!”
“Ughhhh what the hell does he want now?” I thought. “You’ve already sprayed the perimeter of the building for ants (NOT your JOB!) and picked up his girlfriend’s poodle from the groomer (AGAIN, NOT your JOB!) and drove him to the hospital that one time, blood streaming down his face because he basically fell off of a freaking cliff (definitely NOT your JOB!)” Let’s not even get started on the pork allergy stories.
He had thrown his back out when he bent over to tie his shoe… But that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem was that he was scheduled to have a colonoscopy the next day, and had been pounding laxative juice, ALL DAY. There was a rumble in the jungle, fo sho. I had to think fast. I ran to grab my office chair. I struggled to get him up off that bench and into the chair so I could wheel him into the bathroom before he literally exploded… Who has two thumbs and would’ve had to clean that up? This gal!
On my way home that day, I saw a van full of teenagers pile out into the parking lot of my mothership, the 7-11. They had obviously just come from the beach, coated in sand and salt, their skin honey-roasted from the sun. They were smiling, laughing, and so carefree. I wanted to scream at these whippersnappers to enjoy their youth as I realized mine was slipping away. I decided then and there that I was never going back. I wanted a new life! The VAN life!!!
The next weekend I put an ad on Craigslist and invited a bunch of strangers into my home to buy all of my worldly possessions. (I kept my M*A*S*H Vodka dispenser and Shirt Tales lunchbox, because necessities.) The best part was I only got stabbed once and barely got ripped off! It was a huge success IMHO. I sold the house that I had inherited from my gamgam to fulfill my dreams of cruisin’ the coast, downing some brews, and shredding some gnar.
I love living on the edge, aka #livingthatvanlife!!! Who wants to stumble right to a familiar toilet in the middle of the night?! Wouldn’t you rather hold it all night because you’re too scared to pee in the Ogallala KMart parking lot at 2AM by yourself? I know I would. Who wants to marinate in the stench of graywater and food scraps and dirty laundry because it’s hailing outside? I do. It reminds me that I am ALIVE. Who wants to have a good night’s sleep? I know I’d rather be kept awake by the incessant singing of horny mockingbirds. Or worrying that the scraping sound I just heard was the hooked hand of an escaped serial killer. It keeps my mind sharp and encourages my imagination. I also don’t regret that I have no reliable access to WI-FI or electricity. AND I don’t regret that my family and friends stopped talking to me years ago, when I abandoned my former life!! Screw ‘em. You know what else is overrated? Running water. Who needs it?! Hot showers free of truck stop foot fungus are sooo overrated.
Great house, a nice car, savings, health insurance, an exciting career? They’ve got nothing on #livingthatvanlife. I’M obvi the one living the dream.
(goodr promised to wire me some money if I stop parking in their parking lot. Please buy a pair of these Sells House, Buys Van sunnies so they can pay me.)
*name changed to protect the innocent and disenchanted
NO RAGRETS READING THESE
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