RUN, YOU FOOLS! ORIGIN STORY
JORDALF THE WIZARD LOOKS STUNNING AT AGE 2,019, UNLIKE HOT MESS BROTHER GANDALF
If you want to look younger, meet your new celebrity goals! In the series premiere of The Surreal World, Jordalf the Wizard looks barely 20 years old. Quite an impressive feat for a sorcerer who just turned 2,019! (And quite a contrast from her twin brother, Gandalf, who looks like somebody slapped a Santa Claus beard on an orc.)
As we all know, the Valar sent six Maiar spirits to Middle-earth to protect the Free Peoples from Sauron in the beginning of the Third Age. This included Saruman the White, Alatar and Pallando the Blue, Radagast the Brown, Gandalf the Grey and Jordalf the Dope. The wizards started on equal footing, but as we enter the Fourth Age, some have kept better care of their physical forms than others. Jordalf is stunning, Gandalf is showing his age, and Radagast somehow looks even more like he woke up in a dumpster than ever before.
In an interview with Lothlópolitan, Jordalf revealed the secret to dodging the ravages of time: “I wake up early in the morning and work out with two personal trainers,” Jordalf told the publication. “I also get eight hours of sleep every night, eat a lot of green vegetables and avoid the axis of evil: alcohol, coffee and the sun.”
Hopefully Jordalf shares these tips with her brother, Gandalf, a decrepit husk of a man who stumbles out of bed at noon to “wake and bake” with Southfarthing pipe-weed. Wandering around the boondocks burns calories, but not if you follow it by feasting on breakfast, “second breakfast,” lunch, “second lunch,” dinner and “second dinner.”
As if to underscore her awesomeness, Jordalf shot fire-lightning out of her hands at the end of The Surreal World season premiere. The dazzling dancing neon spider web of voltage was far more impressive than any of Gandalf’s pathetic magic tricks, if you can really call fireworks, shield conjuring and resurrection magic tricks. (Yawn.)
Mark our words: Gandalf is out, and Jordalf is in. The "Run, You Fools!" sunglasses she rocks in the season premiere will be all the rage in Middle-earth.